Friday, July 2, 2010

Contentment or Apathy?

My heart is very heavy this morning. Heaviness - as I process little pieces of information.  Feels like a burning – Piercing – Hurts Emotionally. Physically. I feel like it is an attack from the enemy. Which - I've been told - is true:

Ephes. 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Yet – even as I ponder this by typing – My friend is sitting across from me having a hilarious conversation – I’ve received 2 encouraging funny comments on posts – and I know I am loved and wanted by my family.  I am not without hope. Peace. Contentment.

When things come my way – I categorize – What I can control, What I can change, What I can fix. Make a list. Work it through. Then – set aside. To Him.

What I’m finding out this week- as  many people share with me – is that my Peace and Contentment – has been mistaken for Bitterness and Apathy.

How could it be that

  • The quiet of not making a big deal is mistaken for keeping a grudge.
  • The peace of knowing God is in control is taken for Apathy?
  • The contentment of what we have is taken for pride?

All of what has happened in my life – misconstrued intentions – has been taken by other people who have not communicated with me. Who have seen an action from afar – and judged a snip of conversation – then judged what they thought my reaction would be based on their own circumstances.

But  I’m off my pondering thought . . .

My heart is broken – over several different circumstances and peoples – I have prayed them through. I have seen answers to specific prayer. I know that my God has sent a comforter – Promised to me in John 14, 15, & 14 – That the Holy Spirit is what gives me the peace in the storm. He reveals truth to me. I accept what He lays on my heart.

But those without this peace, without this close communion – do not see the source of my calm. Take their own emotions and give my actions description. I am not sure, without feeling like a fake shampoo commercial – how much more shiny and smiley and excited I could be to show how happy and content my life is. . . . .

I wonder – if it is my job to convince those who live in darkness and fear – how I feel? I’ve tried. They can’t relate.

I was sitting in a pile of misery this week – and felt alone. A lie from the enemy. That my family and friends had abandoned me, and the Lord had sent me to the end of the earth to sort it all out.  Oh how so very quickly the Comforter came to give truth. He brought several faces to mind – 6 in specific – to turn to. For Prayer. To feel not alone. I spent several days walking in person and on line with them, sharing the sorrows of my heart – being prayed over. Feeling healing. I had sent a message to those who walked with me the joy of what the Lord had done.

But the enemy was still there. Finding another angle. Another way of attack. Another person to go through. A weak link – The enemy’s  use of this person – has my heart ripping.

The battle is here. The enemy is mad. He will not allow us to live publicly victorious wonderful lives with our family and children. He will not allow the media and those outside to see truth.  Only One can allow truth to be seen.

And He is on my side. He has won. I trust in Him.

I am not quite sure how I could be more transparent with my immediate friends of my circumstances  - I do not feel it appropriate to post here the circumstances. I need to focus on the tiny tidbits– but on the conquering King.

I have heard several times this week that the enemy must feel that I am worthy of attack. Worthy? of attack? I am reminded of a song from my youth – The Warrior is a Child.

I think I’ll go sit on the dock and pet my dog, and allow the comforter to massage  the burning pain out of my literal heart.


Suzanne said...

Oh, Angie. My heart aches for you. I'm praying for you - for more peace, more comfort and His wisdom. People really don't get true contentment and peace unless God gives it to them. I know you count yourself blessed because the Lord has given that to you. I'm sure the enemy does find you worthy of his attacks. But also, God finds you worthy to go through what you're going through right now so that He can reveal more of Himself to you and you'll come to know Him more intimately. Your heart seems so precious, from your posts. I know you want His will. Sometimes all we can do in the midst of what we think are bad circumstances is pray and trust Him with it, knowing He'll work it out for His purposes and for His glory. Recall Romans 8:28 - God works out EVERYTHING for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I'll continue to pray for you as the Lord brings you to my mind.

Pebblekeeper said...

Thank you. :)

Anonymous said...

Love you. I suppose I should have called like I felt like I should for the past few days.

Be blessed. Enjoy the place the Lord has you. Even if nobody gets it. :)

Anonymous said...

Love you. I suppose I should have called like I felt like I should for the past few days.

Be blessed. Enjoy the place the Lord has you. Even if nobody gets it. :)

Pebblekeeper said...

Tis OK Pebblechaser - The world feels like its going on a roller coaster backwards. :) But for each little weirdness that comes across the path, instant redemption comes. So - its nothing crazy or long drawn out. Sigh.

Honey said...

I don't know what's going on...I'm new to your blog, but remember that sometimes those that strike out do so because of fear. It has nothing to do with you...and all to do with where they are. The journey we have is to know that sometimes it's not us and we have to use the moment to grow. And, sometimes people are simply hateful little snots & it helps to flick a booger at them. You're welcome to delete this if you want...