My heart is very heavy this morning. Heaviness - as I process little pieces of information. Feels like a burning – Piercing – Hurts Emotionally. Physically. I feel like it is an attack from the enemy. Which - I've been told - is true:
Ephes. 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Yet – even as I ponder this by typing – My friend is sitting across from me having a hilarious conversation – I’ve received 2 encouraging funny comments on posts – and I know I am loved and wanted by my family. I am not without hope. Peace. Contentment.
When things come my way – I categorize – What I can control, What I can change, What I can fix. Make a list. Work it through. Then – set aside. To Him.
What I’m finding out this week- as many people share with me – is that my Peace and Contentment – has been mistaken for Bitterness and Apathy.
How could it be that
- The quiet of not making a big deal is mistaken for keeping a grudge.
- The peace of knowing God is in control is taken for Apathy?
- The contentment of what we have is taken for pride?
All of what has happened in my life – misconstrued intentions – has been taken by other people who have not communicated with me. Who have seen an action from afar – and judged a snip of conversation – then judged what they thought my reaction would be based on their own circumstances.
But I’m off my pondering thought . . .
My heart is broken – over several different circumstances and peoples – I have prayed them through. I have seen answers to specific prayer. I know that my God has sent a comforter – Promised to me in John 14, 15, & 14 – That the Holy Spirit is what gives me the peace in the storm. He reveals truth to me. I accept what He lays on my heart.
But those without this peace, without this close communion – do not see the source of my calm. Take their own emotions and give my actions description. I am not sure, without feeling like a fake shampoo commercial – how much more shiny and smiley and excited I could be to show how happy and content my life is. . . . .
I wonder – if it is my job to convince those who live in darkness and fear – how I feel? I’ve tried. They can’t relate.
I was sitting in a pile of misery this week – and felt alone. A lie from the enemy. That my family and friends had abandoned me, and the Lord had sent me to the end of the earth to sort it all out. Oh how so very quickly the Comforter came to give truth. He brought several faces to mind – 6 in specific – to turn to. For Prayer. To feel not alone. I spent several days walking in person and on line with them, sharing the sorrows of my heart – being prayed over. Feeling healing. I had sent a message to those who walked with me the joy of what the Lord had done.
But the enemy was still there. Finding another angle. Another way of attack. Another person to go through. A weak link – The enemy’s use of this person – has my heart ripping.
The battle is here. The enemy is mad. He will not allow us to live publicly victorious wonderful lives with our family and children. He will not allow the media and those outside to see truth. Only One can allow truth to be seen.
And He is on my side. He has won. I trust in Him.
I am not quite sure how I could be more transparent with my immediate friends of my circumstances - I do not feel it appropriate to post here the circumstances. I need to focus on the tiny tidbits– but on the conquering King.
I have heard several times this week that the enemy must feel that I am worthy of attack. Worthy? of attack? I am reminded of a song from my youth – The Warrior is a Child.
I think I’ll go sit on the dock and pet my dog, and allow the comforter to massage the burning pain out of my literal heart.