Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Your Sore Heart

Ann at A Holy Experience got my attention with the title of One thing you can do with Your Sore Heart.

Mrs. White poured out her heart today in walking through the teen years with love and humor.

I walk with a friend and she pours out her sore heart in her home.

I hike with a friend and she shares her commitment to covenant with her God and spouse.

I sit in the sun and rejoice while hearing of a couple on the brink of despair give it to God. With Time. Patience. Working on learning what this “forgiveness” means when you walk through it.

My husband stops by the fence and chooses the most beautiful rose to bring to me, as I lay – blanketed by a sleeping bag that feels heavy, in our basement. He brings chocolate from work. “A Kit Kat is in the refrigerator for you.” I bought S’more supplies and the fireworks that were on sale today for the boys.

Close to post-partum, this is the heaviest depression I’ve felt. I can not seem to put an angle on it. It does not seem to be circumstantial – because the tiny things that have mounted into a pile are still tiny things. They are even gone. Past. Fixed. Done.  But the heaviness. The weariness.  My boys look at me and wonder. I know I should get up. Go to the beach. Take a walk. Shake it off.

I. Just. Can’t.

Ann shared a part of Is. 58 today:

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,

then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden.

I want to do away with this yoke of oppression.  I am realizing my heart is not broken – but it is sore, and worn out from the ups and downs of emotions. I do not want to walk in the way of finger pointing and malicious talk. Casting blame to why my heart is aching.

It is funny timing that the promise in this verse is that He will satisfy my needs in a sun scorched land – when this week is set for our first full week of sun and heat – and record breaking temps. :)

I think its going to be a good week. I’m off to the basement – not to crawl up – but to shower. Wash off. Pray. Fight. Then I’ll pick up my hoe and fix up my flower beds. I will water them and prepare them for the healing growth of the sun and heat.

I will walk through the heat and come out with more fruit – more glory – to reflect who lives inside of me.

I’m feeling a tiny bit better already.

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