When My Heart is Overwhelmed - Lead me to the Rock

I learned yesterday – that I was not depressed – but rather discouraged. I had seen through scripture – that I had been broken – through exasperation – to the point of wanting to quit. To give up hope for a future – not the salvation future – but of a happy go lucky every day’s gow-na turn out right sort of hope.

I have been surrounded lately by discouragers. Some intentionally. Some – un beknownst to them.

Discourage -

• disapproval
• creating difficulties
• dishearten
• depress the spirit
• deject
• deprive confidence
• dejected

Encourage -

• To give courage
• confidence of success
• inspire courage in the Spirit
• Strength of mind
• embolden.

Scripture warns us in to be careful to not discourage, provoke or exasperate – that those in our charge might loose heart. I am lifting my hand to say that for a time – I had lost heart. 

Depression comes – when you grab onto that comforter of darkness, sleep, and hiding – and just fall into the pit. When you are not questioning the why of the sullen moody spirit that has washed over.

But there is hope.

I came home from church yesterday and wrote out 4 pages of scriptures to help me understand what was spoken to me by two different pastors.

I narrowed down the problem to discouragement – but needed to find a way to be encouraged – to build my courage and strength of spirit again  - Through Him and not through others.

Pulling out my trusty “For Instructions in Righteousness - Click Here to Get on for Your Family -” book by Doorposts.net – I read what a parent might bring the Word to to a child who is stuck in discouragement - 

Mark 6:31 Come ye part – rest a while – Christ said to his disciples. They had many coming and going and did not have time to for leisure – even to eat. – I have had 6 sets of company in less than a month with three more sets to come this week. Although the actual visits are wonderful – I am really enjoying being a hostess – the set up, clean up, running of our household and yard – gets a bit crazy in the in between times. :)  Adding to that the creation of the new school year for 7th and 4th grade – and a new job to figure out - I need to rest more – take the stroll on the beach – be filled with His Rest.

Romans 15:1 Those that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak – I need to Seek Out those who are Strong!

2 Timothy 2:3-4 Endure hardness as a good soldier of Jesus Christ – which was a reminder to me to walk through – knowing it was set out for me – not complaining – enduring as a submissive soldier.

Psalm 37:23-24 The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord and he delights in his way. Thou he fall – he shall not be utterly cast down – for the Lord upolds him with his right hand. I have been young. And now I am old. Yet – I have not seen the righteous forsaken – nor his seed begging bread. – Pastor Darrel spoke on this verse this week and last – it is a good reminder to me – that the Lord knew what those around me were set to do – and that I need feel low – or guilty – or ‘bad’ because I fell in spirit – that I was not utterly cast down – the Lord held me up himself.  Rest in that a minute. :)

2 Cor 12:9 My grace is sufficient for thee for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. – I have spoken with a few close friends and my family about my struggles these past few weeks – and then felt bad – that my words did not give grace and mercy to my accusers. And yet. His Grace is sufficient – when I am weak. I have questioned sharing in such detail – my struggles of depression on the world wide web – but am comforted – that  I can Glory in my infirmities -  and show you how the Power of Christ rests on me.

Ps 147:3 He heals the broken heart – and binds up their wounds. Seriously. What could I add to that.  I am at the bottom of page 3 of my written notes – and I am feeling the salve, the fresh bandages, the soothing of the Holy Spirit over my healing heart. Rest a minute in that!

Ps 46:1 God is our refuge and strength a very present help in time of trouble!

Ps 121:1 I will lift my eyes up to the mountains, from where my help comes from!

Ps 35:1 – Plead my cause O Lord with them that strive against me. Fight against them that fight against me. Let them be confounded and put to shame that seek after my soul. Let them be turned back and brought to confusion that devise my hurt v28-And my tongue shall speak of thy righteousness and of thy praise all the day long.

I spoke to Jon – who is struggling with discouragement as well – and who loves to walk along the road and create songs – that the suggestion from “For Instructions in Righteousness” was to

Write your own Psalm.  Pour out your emotion and close with a Phrase of Praise as David did. 

and I leave you with just one more of the many that encouraged me yesterday -

Ps 61:2 – From the end of the earth  will I cry out to thee – When my heart is overwhelmed – Lead me to the Rock – that Is Higher than I . . . That is higher than I.

Broken in Spirit –

Sitting in a pew this Sunday – visiting a church with friends – the subject topic of the talk was titled Submission.

Great!!!! Are you Kidding Me?

I have been feeling really low lately- Hard to describe – a feeling of a sullen frame of mind, moody, tired, lethargic, broken in Spirit  listless.  Not quite depressed – but in a low hazy fog of no caring about much. Still quite in love with my family and my Lord. Still seeing him work, but like through a haze.

Some of the advice given lately has been submission – which seems crazy – as submitting to those who have been awful to my circumstances is where my heart got broken.  How could I submit any more without feeling done? Then the guilt sets in of maybe I’m not really submitting. Searching the corners of my heart for bitterness or malice. Finding none. Feeling guilty and wondering why – as my circumstances could not be any more fantastic – where is my Lift?

Then the pastor spoke on Ephesians 6:1-9.  He was talking about children and parents – masters and servants – when he changed a word from my memorized version from provoke to the word Exasperate.

Exasperated –

• to Lose Heart – to become disheartened to the point of loosing motivation
• dispirited
• broken in Spirit
• Listless, moody, sullen frame of mind, strength is sapped, hope for future shattered.

I felt like jumping up right in the middle of service and shouting – THAT’s IT!!!  I have been Exasperated! By those that I loved and trusted! But – It was a Conservative Baptist Church – um. So I just wrote it down and shifted a bit in my seat. :)

I picked up the boys and eagerly went to our home church – the New Life Four Square Church – and eagerly jumped into the music and prayer part of the worship service. As usual – the biblical songs of worship were exactly fitting to what I needed. One song spoke of the need to Shout his Name, Shout his Goodness, Shout your praises – and I felt the need to shout out Jesus! Praise you Jesus! And I felt the chains break around my heart – I felt the healing on my heart – I felt the lift in my step. Jon and I spent the rest of the service dancing in our little isle – so freeing. I felt healed. Pastor Darrel is teaching through the book of James – and his words encouraged me further – I left feeling like the tide had turned.

My next post will show you my plan for staying out of the pit of discouragement.

I found the Answer to Simplicity

People have asked me about my faith  - especially recently. 

Why do I believe so simply?

How do I believe in Creation when I am such a lover of science?

I heard my answer to the question this Sunday. It’s simple really.

The Bible. Ta daaaaaaa.

Let me explain -

We read 2 Timothy 3:16 & 17 this Sunday, it was actually the 2nd time I had read it this week – but something in it hit me – that I had never understood before.

16 All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.

Take a look at 17

So that the man of God may be complete, trained and made ready for every good work.

I looked up the word Perfect – it means to be Complete, Perfect – Furnished with what you need.

How much time have you spent in the Word? Reading it? Believing It? Is it truth for you? We are reading John 1 right now – If you want to find out that the Word is not only a what but a who – read vs 1-18. Check out v 17 for the Who.

When I have a problem with homeschool – I take it to the Word. When I have a problem with my family? The Word. When I have troubles with my children? The Word. Friendships?  Word. Car troubles? Word. Wondering what to do with my day? Yep. The Word.

For my whole life, I have been encouraged to read the Word. To be diligent to study – show myself approved.  I read sometimes long passages, sometimes one verse. It sustains. Gives direction. Keeps me in truth.

Do you want to be competent? Complete? Perfect? Equipped? Adequate? Fitted?

Read. The. Scriptures. :)

I have said many times – If it is in there – I believe it. Simply.

Want to know about Creation?  Read it. Want to know about Christ? Read it. Want to know about people who have failed, and God still forgave them?  Read it.

perfect, – Strongs #g739 - ἄρτιος artios

3:17  ἵνα ἄρτιος ᾖ ὁ τοῦ θεοῦ ἄνθρωπος πρὸς πᾶν ἔργον ἀγαθὸν ἐξηρτισμένος (http://www.blueletterbible.org/)

New International Version (©1984)
so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

New Living Translation (©2007)
God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work.

English Standard Version (©2001)
that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.

International Standard Version (©2008)
so that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.

GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)
They equip God's servants so that they are completely prepared to do good things.

King James Bible
That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.

American King James Version
That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished to all good works.

American Standard Version
That the man of God may be complete, furnished completely unto every good work.

Bible in Basic English
So that the man of God may be complete, trained and made ready for every good work.

Douay-Rheims Bible
That the man of God may be perfect, furnished to every good work.

Darby Bible Translation
that the man of God may be complete, fully fitted to every good work.

English Revised Version
that the man of God may be complete, furnished completely unto every good work.

Webster's Bible Translation
That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished to all good works.

Weymouth New Testament
so that the man of God may himself be complete and may be perfectly equipped for every good work.

World English Bible
that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Young's Literal Translation
that the man of God may be fitted -- for every good work having been completed.

Are you Spiritual?

Are you Spiritual?  What is your Spiritual Journey? What do you believe? What is your path?  Are you searching? For Something More?
Are you looking for the missing piece? Is your religion lacking? Your Church? Your Worship Service?  You are looking to get closer to God – but something is just missing? Like that last piece of a puzzle -
This Sunday – we heard statistics from 2005 – from a survey taken by Protestant Evangelical Christians – of who is Spiritual – Who Reads their Bible – and Who thinks Jesus is the way to Salvation – or if you can find the Hope and Peace of Forgiveness in being Good and leading a Good Life.  The majority questioned said their friends who did not believe in the Name of Jesus – who led good lives and served well – will be saved – in Heaven – after they die.
I did a quick look up this morning and found this article:

Key findings in the phone survey, conducted in August and released today:
•65% rarely or never pray with others, and 38% almost never pray by themselves either.
•65% rarely or never attend worship services.
•67% don't read the Bible or sacred texts.
Many are unsure Jesus is the only path to heaven: Half say yes, half no.

This was conducted in 2010.
Why are people so unsure of what they believe?  Are they afraid to speak truth? Are they afraid to offend? Are they afraid of standing up for truth? If you are expecting the path of life to lead to heaven – and you believe in God – and you are wanting Hope of Salvation and Christ’s Return – Then following the Word of God – is your first step.
How many of you are in the Word daily? Have you read the bible? If you do take the time to sit in a church service a few times a year are you content with the offerings of a verse here and there, possibly taken out of context?
What happens when Jesus isn’t Enough?
What more do you need to believe in? What other rituals and practices and cultural experiences do you need to be complete?

Boasting Gladly about Weakness

Sometimes I wonder ponder about this pondering blog. 

Of how much to share.  The Inner conversations I have.  Sure, I want to share when the Lord lays a great verse on me, when the money that was short was provided, when I have a hurt and He heals it.

This past week was the first time that I typed out my ponderings for the world to see in real time.  I hit publish and felt the dread. Realizing that although I don’t have the ponderings blog set to be very search engine friendly – people still do read it. 

What will they think when they see how a tiny circumstance can break the Mary Poppins exterior of a Titus 2  Prov 31 Ruby Woman?

I don’t ask for pity, or the “its going to be ok” pats when I write. Writing is how I process.  I feel embarrassed sharing, ingrained to move on, suck it up, fresh day, new morning, blah blah.

Think with sorrow of the presentation we give new moms. 
Who see us in our web presented lives in status updates and mc linky triumphs. Only seeing what we are excited about – what project we actually finished. Do they count the days between posts when there is nothing to share? Do they see the string of photos that are missing? Do they know we nap through the afternoon?

Should I start posting a Daily Chore Ignored photo Mc Linky?

I had a great day.
A pull yourself up by the bootstraps day yesterday.
Cleaned up the sand pit, weeded the flower gardens, cleaned the gutters, washed the deck, watered the flowers, made a great meal, entertained friends.  Spent hours paddling the lake. 

I wake today sore, exhausted. Pretty sure my wrists will be on strike for several days after twisting weeds and oars.  Through the sweat and prayer, I felt the blanket of oppression lift. I feel a New Day this morning – and I’m ready to get back in the race.

I woke embarrassed that I shared my struggles – They seem silly this morning with new comfort in Christ. Feeling free from the burden of secrecy lifts the embarrassment. . This mornings reading is a page by Shaun Grooves. - Sovereignty & Sickness & Strength <<Read Here>>

Shaun encouraged me through Paul’s experience –

to Boast All the More Gladly about my Weaknesses

I will not change my Ponderings blog Into the Pebble’s Dribbles of Self Depravation – but I will try to log more often of what I’m going through. :) Delighting in the sufferings - Here is the verse from 2nd Corinthians -

2 Cor 10:7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me,

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,

so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

“Paul looked at his suffering then as a gift he delighted in: the gift of God’s strength that can only be received when his own strength is inadequate, sapped, used up, gone.” Quote by  Shawn Groves

Your Sore Heart

Ann at A Holy Experience got my attention with the title of One thing you can do with Your Sore Heart.

Mrs. White poured out her heart today in walking through the teen years with love and humor.

I walk with a friend and she pours out her sore heart in her home.

I hike with a friend and she shares her commitment to covenant with her God and spouse.

I sit in the sun and rejoice while hearing of a couple on the brink of despair give it to God. With Time. Patience. Working on learning what this “forgiveness” means when you walk through it.

My husband stops by the fence and chooses the most beautiful rose to bring to me, as I lay – blanketed by a sleeping bag that feels heavy, in our basement. He brings chocolate from work. “A Kit Kat is in the refrigerator for you.” I bought S’more supplies and the fireworks that were on sale today for the boys.

Close to post-partum, this is the heaviest depression I’ve felt. I can not seem to put an angle on it. It does not seem to be circumstantial – because the tiny things that have mounted into a pile are still tiny things. They are even gone. Past. Fixed. Done.  But the heaviness. The weariness.  My boys look at me and wonder. I know I should get up. Go to the beach. Take a walk. Shake it off.

I. Just. Can’t.

Ann shared a part of Is. 58 today:

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,

then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden.

I want to do away with this yoke of oppression.  I am realizing my heart is not broken – but it is sore, and worn out from the ups and downs of emotions. I do not want to walk in the way of finger pointing and malicious talk. Casting blame to why my heart is aching.

It is funny timing that the promise in this verse is that He will satisfy my needs in a sun scorched land – when this week is set for our first full week of sun and heat – and record breaking temps. :)

I think its going to be a good week. I’m off to the basement – not to crawl up – but to shower. Wash off. Pray. Fight. Then I’ll pick up my hoe and fix up my flower beds. I will water them and prepare them for the healing growth of the sun and heat.

I will walk through the heat and come out with more fruit – more glory – to reflect who lives inside of me.

I’m feeling a tiny bit better already.

Comfort in the Storm

My grandmother – who will be 100 in November – may not make it to November – or the middle of July.

My family – is accusing me of tampering with computer files to make up stories about their daughter.

My finances – have been doing crazy up and down roller coaster things, some we could control – many we could not. At one point this week we were 600 dollars in the negative in the bank. (bank fixed the error and all is well – but not fun to walk through during a holiday weekend)

My Sister – has disowned me again – its her cycle – she gets close – then backs off – gets close – backs off.

My Dog – has been urking all over the house for two days (boys help clean it up, but she keeps doing it on beds, she’s been fine the last 48 hrs)

Yet – through it all – I keep reading this Diamonds in the Dust book by Joni Eareckson Tada. Each morning – and sometimes evening – the verse of the day fits exactly what I’m going through.

Hebrews 11:6 – Instead they were longing for a better country – a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. – Joni’s note – the quiet but throbbing ache within them drives them not to complaint but to anticipation.

I wish not to complain – but to anticipate what we are longing for – however, this week the enemy was trying to throw in lonely, alone, stranded into the mix – and the comforter showed me clearly that I was not alone, spiritually or physically.

Put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” Eph 6:11-12.

This verse was on the day before their visit.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Gal 6:9

On the day when I didn’t feel like being a servant to 10 other people in my home.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 1 John 3:16

On the day when I was about to loose it for being accused, disrespected and treated like the enemy.

The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ Gen 2:18

On the day when I was going to crawl in bed and let my husband handle the bunch.

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zeph 3:17

On the day that they accused me of the computer tampering. Called my son a liar. Called to scream at me a couple of times. Made my husband choose sides.

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Heb 11:6

Yep – on the day that I stood my ground. Didn’t fight back. Had faith in the One that knows truth. Sought his face all day.

You were Washed . . . 1 Cor 6:11 Note from Joni – Cleanse me with hyssop and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow Ps 51:7 – Almighty God, thank you for desiring to make me clean – For washing my heart, and making me pure. I humble myself before You and present all the areas of my life that need to be made right . . and she goes on

On the day that I was doubting. Wondering if the sin from years past still was in a root in my heart today. When I was pleading with the Lord to reveal truth to me. Were Washed. Am Spotless. That’s what He told me.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Phil 2:3

and

The Lord will take delight in you. As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you. Is 62:4-5

Days I was wondering if it were worth it to sweep it under the rug. As accusations from the past kept coming strong.

And yesterday, July 4th. I felt like I was in the pit of despair again. That my hope in heaven was secure – but my joy in this life was gone. Wiped out. Extinguished.  The sharp pain in my heart from the week early has been replaced by the weight of so many stones being thrown, that I’m ready to just lie down at the weight of it. And stop. Just Stop. Then I feel guilty – for feeling so defeated.

And the verse of the day is –

Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Is 50:10.

Joni’s note:

You probably have days that seem like deep, cavernous holes. Days when you can’t find your way because of the darkness and you search for a single ray of light and see absolutely nothing. – Don’t be alarmed. Remember that your walk is not by sight but by faith, and God, according to Isaiah 50:10 agrees with you. There are times when it’s hard to see even a single ray of brightness in your circumstances. But even in the blackness, God promises you will find him.

How does she know? I feel comforted that the Lord knows that he did not create us to be able to cope with rejection and manipulation and lies. He made us to walk in victory – in His light. He knows what I am going through and how my body will react. She wrote the paragraph above after a story about being lost in the Carlsbad Caves as a kid. And her mom promised she would never loose her. Lovely.

So – it is funny to me that today’s entry is about taking a stand. About Jesus getting angry at the Temple at the money changers.  Talks about Jesus being portrayed as kindly, loving, with children and lambs and birds.  - But challenging to visualize an angry violently angry Jesus Christ. Overturning Tables. Speaking Truth. Every one in the temple was sent out.

I want to stand up. Speak truth. Call a lie a lie. If relations are broken – they are not unbendable.  There is a well of forgiveness and mercy and grace that will pour out from His spirit.

But I need to stand. Proclaim. Draw a line. Stand Firm. and Trust.

Get Mad, Be Mad, Always Mad?

“She’s gonna be mad.”

“She’ll get mad.”

“She’s always mad.”

“Don’t tell her – She’ll be mad.”

I tell ya one thing, I think I might GO mad!

I looked up Mad today -
<<Text taken from the Mirriam Webster Online Dictionary Here>>
1 : disordered in mind : insane
2 a : completely unrestrained by reason and judgment <driven mad by the pain> b : incapable of being explained or accounted for <a mad decision>
3 : carried away by intense anger : furious <mad about the delay>
4 : carried away by enthusiasm or desire <mad about horses>
5 : affected with rabies : rabid
6 : marked by wild gaiety and merriment : hilarious
7 : intensely excited : frantic
8 : marked by intense and often chaotic activity : wild <a mad scramble>

Family members have been spreading rumors about me lately. About Being Mad. “Don’t tell her – she’ll get mad.”  “I didn’t want to tell you because you’d be mad”.

So dishonesty has entered into several relationships.  Conversations altered or denied. All for the sake of ME not getting MAD.

But when I hear what they are saying – I do get a rice of intensity in my heart – for the words they put in my mouth have not been uttered by me. The accusations do not even make sense. The lies and deception for what? Why?

I have been accused of being mad because family members sent my kids to public school last year without my permission. The kids were not invited to the school, so they sat the morning out in the principals office. Then they went on a spending joy ride around town, all the while my phone calls to know where they were went unanswered.  It was my birthday. My mom and 98 year old grandma were waiting to have cake and dinner. No boys. So – When I picked them up – I was upset, when I got in the car and found out where they had been all day – I was outraged.(to arouse anger or resentment in usually by some grave offense, thanks webster). So I called the family and told them how upsetting it was to hear what had been going on all day – It backfired on the relatives.  The boys now NEVER want to go to school as long as the memory is alive. :)

But I’m the bad guy.  Cause I got Mad. and Called them on it.

This is the reason I was given last night for why the anger continues to grow on their side. Anger. Deception. Blame. Manipulation. Accusations.

When they called and screamed at us this week and sent cursing Lord’s Name in Vain txt messages – they denied it. Said we got on the computer and created the whole thing and made it all up.

Seriously?

Am I wrong in not wanting my kids to hang out with people, even if they are blood relatives – that tell them they hate their mom? That they are Angry at the Mom? That their mom is a liar? I should just let them have full contact?  I don’t think so.

And a marriage goes on the rocks – as a devoted brother – at the brink of depression and despair over loosing one sibling to suicide – is now on the edge of letting go of another sibling if he calls the lies – a lie.  We’ve known of the “good intentions”, the “over exaggerations”, the “twisting of the truth” to make a story better. But no one – EVER – calls him on it. 

I speak my truth. I speak my opinion. I do not tailor the retelling my reality to fit into his stories. – So I’m a target.

They don’t want anyone to tell me anything because I’ll speak the truth. I do get angry – at the lies – at the manipulation – at the buying off of the kids and my husband, but rarely if ever get mad at the original circumstance.

Even the birthday day. The one thing I was upset about was the lack of communication. I should have been told they were going to school. I should have been told they were stuck in the office for 4 hours. I should have been told they were going to drive around the county. I should have been able to pick them up, when I was begging for them, they should not have been hid from me.

What do you think?  I forgive 70 x 7. I’m really not Mad – but I might be Insane. I just don’t think my kids should be with a controlling relative who hates me.  Am a wrong? My whole family says I am.

Pour out your Heart

We went to worship on the Forth of July at a neighbor’s property which they named Covenant Creek.

Amazing setting. Worshiping the Lord in Freedom – with a new church family – fellowship – birds – food.  An amazing morning.

I have been facing quite  a few emotional trials the past few weeks – and I found this particular song to be a bit of a tear jerker -

 

 

The Lord is Good. I know it is not His will that we be alone. He has gathered us with people from 3 different churches.  My good friend down south at Gleneden Beach, several families up the street at Faith Baptist– and this gathering of friends at the New Life Four Square. We had several invitations to BBQ gatherings today – opted for Covenant Creek – The Spirit Moved. Then a peaceful afternoon of reading a good book, laying by a window watching the boats zig and zag on the lake. Hubby got home at 7ish and we BBQ’d some hamburgers – and watched the most amazing fireworks display I ever remember seeing – even in Oklahoma City – which was my last “greatest display memory”, or Seattle on the waterfront. . .Sitting on the top of a building watching the bay. . .

I have been pouring out my heart to the Lord – He has been answering. I still feel like I am at the bottom of a dark cave – but I know I am not alone. :)

Contentment or Apathy?

My heart is very heavy this morning. Heaviness - as I process little pieces of information.  Feels like a burning – Piercing – Hurts Emotionally. Physically. I feel like it is an attack from the enemy. Which - I've been told - is true:

Ephes. 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Yet – even as I ponder this by typing – My friend is sitting across from me having a hilarious conversation – I’ve received 2 encouraging funny comments on posts – and I know I am loved and wanted by my family.  I am not without hope. Peace. Contentment.

When things come my way – I categorize – What I can control, What I can change, What I can fix. Make a list. Work it through. Then – set aside. To Him.

What I’m finding out this week- as  many people share with me – is that my Peace and Contentment – has been mistaken for Bitterness and Apathy.

How could it be that

• The quiet of not making a big deal is mistaken for keeping a grudge.
• The peace of knowing God is in control is taken for Apathy?
• The contentment of what we have is taken for pride?

All of what has happened in my life – misconstrued intentions – has been taken by other people who have not communicated with me. Who have seen an action from afar – and judged a snip of conversation – then judged what they thought my reaction would be based on their own circumstances.

But  I’m off my pondering thought . . .

My heart is broken – over several different circumstances and peoples – I have prayed them through. I have seen answers to specific prayer. I know that my God has sent a comforter – Promised to me in John 14, 15, & 14 – That the Holy Spirit is what gives me the peace in the storm. He reveals truth to me. I accept what He lays on my heart.

But those without this peace, without this close communion – do not see the source of my calm. Take their own emotions and give my actions description. I am not sure, without feeling like a fake shampoo commercial – how much more shiny and smiley and excited I could be to show how happy and content my life is. . . . .

I wonder – if it is my job to convince those who live in darkness and fear – how I feel? I’ve tried. They can’t relate.

I was sitting in a pile of misery this week – and felt alone. A lie from the enemy. That my family and friends had abandoned me, and the Lord had sent me to the end of the earth to sort it all out.  Oh how so very quickly the Comforter came to give truth. He brought several faces to mind – 6 in specific – to turn to. For Prayer. To feel not alone. I spent several days walking in person and on line with them, sharing the sorrows of my heart – being prayed over. Feeling healing. I had sent a message to those who walked with me the joy of what the Lord had done.

But the enemy was still there. Finding another angle. Another way of attack. Another person to go through. A weak link – The enemy’s  use of this person – has my heart ripping.

The battle is here. The enemy is mad. He will not allow us to live publicly victorious wonderful lives with our family and children. He will not allow the media and those outside to see truth.  Only One can allow truth to be seen.

And He is on my side. He has won. I trust in Him.

I am not quite sure how I could be more transparent with my immediate friends of my circumstances  - I do not feel it appropriate to post here the circumstances. I need to focus on the tiny tidbits– but on the conquering King.

I have heard several times this week that the enemy must feel that I am worthy of attack. Worthy? of attack? I am reminded of a song from my youth – The Warrior is a Child.

I think I’ll go sit on the dock and pet my dog, and allow the comforter to massage  the burning pain out of my literal heart.