Friday, March 11, 2011

Of Healing

I have felt my body go downhill physically of the last several months. I think the low point came in June - and has just not bulstered from there. My immune system seems to be on the brink of death - as we seem to catch every cold that has come to our county - when we have gone several years without a sniffle.

After bowing out of every planned activity from December to early February - including not really planning for Birthdays and Holidays - I sought out a doctor to help.

After a quick blood test - she told me several things that were wrong, and easily leveled out with simple medications.  She prayed for me. I told her of some of the personal things I was going through. She gave me an EKG to rule out heart attacks. She said I had classic signs of long term stress. Stress? I love my life. What was she talking about???

That was the first week of Febrary - and I am finally feeling like I'm seeing sunshine again. She said it would be 4-6 weeks for the Thyroid to stablize, the vitamins to soak in, and the body and mind to heal. Maybe longer for the latter.

I am learning more about the stress in my life. That has shut down my body, led to depression, and heart attack feeling anxiety. And through it all - trying to maintain a pollyanna persona - do it all -get-er done- cheerful pace. I have known for a few weeks that I wasn't fooling anyone. . . .

I have asked the Lord for healing.  Instantly the pain and swelling in my heart let down. The numbness to my hands receeded, the ache in my ribs went away. That alone cheered me up.

I have been praying to seek out what the "Stress" is that is out to destroy my life and limb.

Without sharing all of my personal details - I can say that most of it was internal. Even if it was a situation around me- it was the way I processed it.  If you are having trouble with Anxiety and Stress and Depression I'd rather talk about my journey out face to face, or email to email than here on the ponderings blog.

I will say that the most healing thing has been my own voice. Acknowledging what I can't do. If I had a broken arm, I'd be in a cast. If I had knee surgery I would have crutches. But with this brokeness, there is no sign or signal to those around me than my humble heart, willingness to share, and willingness to play the weaker part. My family has stepped up. I feel very loved and secure, and I have prayed for the guilt of "not doing" to vanish.

One thing I have experienced - is that my frustration and anger are quite diminished. Knock on wood - but pretty much entirely.  I think my struggle to maintain, brought in the hightened level of "almost over the edge" and the quick replies came from that. With this new mellow weak humble meek spirit, that I have received through going through healing, I have lost the bend up frustrations. I wonder if my spirit feels as those do who are hospital bed bound. At some point. You just have to realize. You can't move. Or Stir. And you have to rely on others for everything.

I never thougth I'd say this, but this is the season I am in. I think it is what the Lord has been trying to teach me sense He took me from my over active life in Central Oregon.  The strength, peace, assurance, renewed hope and love for others that has developed over me sitting down. I have no words.

I am praying for my friends that I know are going through the same thing - either through physical shut down, or outside circumstance, or mean people.  I pray for you. Your name is ever on my lips.

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