Spring opens up – color, scents, growth, beauty, newness and growth from what seemed to be dead. And so it is with my heart!
I am feeling the growth and newness ( and the loss of midsection ) as my chemical levels even out with my thyroid and vitamins. And yet, as I spoke in the last post – I know that there is something that is still lacking.
Sunday came – and the choice of where to worship – The boys and I had a long discussion in the morning of the why’s of our choices – and we settled on being submissive – even though Hubby is at work most Sundays – we are going to choose his choice. (Of which, he said later in the day, thrilled his socks off).
One of the details we discussed was the music. Although, for a concert I really love the music – the musicians are amazing and passionate, their hearts are full and they joy is abundant. The congregation really rocks out! For me, being new, I don’t know most of their songs, or the arrangements of the words that I do know, being played to their writings. I have spent most praise sessions enjoying the worship of those around me, while I am glad to be sitting in the Presence.
Yet, as we walked in a bit late – they were playing a song that I knew. Followed by a whole set of “songs that Angie would have chosen”. And I felt the Father’s arms of comfort around me.
And then – the leader stopped. He urged us to think about the words. If we didn’t know the songs, or if they didn’t apply to us, or if we weren’t quite where the songs words said – to speak them as a prayer, of what we would want for our lives, or pray for a friend that comes to mind that the song does apply to – praying for those around us – instead of just singing out – words that may not be true to us.
And he started on – a familiar hymn -
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Yes, He has taught me to say – It is well, It is Well With my Soul. I can say that. I do say that. I even trick myself into believing it sometimes.
But Sunday – when we sang the chorus – a couple times repeated – the silent wet drops of tears started to run down my face – as I knew – should I sing it to the choral standards of loveliness – that it would be a lie.
As the instruments melted together – beautifully, and the congregation sang, over and over, It is well. With my Soul. It is Well, It is Well, With My Soul. I knew – there was something unspeakable – that my own understanding could not comprehend – that was not well.
And so I prayed. With my whole heart. Without words. HEAL ME! Fix this damaged heart! Wipe away the stress and pain! Or give it a Name! Give me A way to detach from whatever is pulling me under! Make It Well With My Soul!
And we continued to sing, and I felt as if the Lord himself were standing by me, arm on my shoulder as we continued -
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
And Christ seemed to look right at me – and assurance flooded in – that He has regarded my helpless estate – he knows, and I felt the healing. Flow through my entire body, badly cut bangs to sand clogged toe nails. And as we continued through the verses and chorus, I could feel the healing roll over me. The Strength filling my inner body.
( I warn ya, this is a long post – cause – it was a long Sunday!)
And then the service started – And we were in Luke – at the Lord’s Prayer – I’ll save everything I learned during our exercise for another post – We prayed through each section of the Lord’s prayer, pausing for 2 minutes (monitored by the iPhone) for personal prayer. We were at the section of Give US this day our daily bread – and saving all that was revealed in that phrase for another day – the personal prayer that was pouring out of me came in jumbled words. Mourning. Sorrow. Pour laughter in. Replace the mourning. Trade in my sorrows. Fill US with the presence of the Show Bread, fill US with You! I couldn’t quite get the words out that was filling my mind, but I felt healing. I felt the mourning and sorrow being physically replaced.
That evening – we read Esther chapter 9 as a family – and I almost fainted when I read verse 22 -
As the days wherein the Jews rested from their enemies, and the month which was turned unto them from sorrow to joy, and from mourning into a good day: that they should make them days of feasting and joy, and of sending portions one to another, and gifts to the poor.
And suddenly, the flash back to the time of prayer. When I was feeling rest and release – the assurance that Christ would turn my days into good, and that feasting and Joy were possible.
And I was able to share with the hubby and the boys, all of my words for the day – (even more than written here) – and we were comforted for the days ahead. We watched A Night With the King in honor of the 13-15th Days of Adar, 2011 – the time of Purim – to remember when the Jews were delivered from evil, and they were turned from sorrow to joy, mourning into a good day.
I leave you with the last verse -
And Lord, haste the day
when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound,
and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It IS well With my Soul. I love a Savior
who loves me so intimately and deeply!