I remember the conversation. I was sitting at her kitchen table. A bold, confident Survivor. Of loss. Of a child, both parents, a spouse and all of her other children. All within a year. Several friends and family members to death, and several to moving away in bitterness. A church that turned their back on her. A community that forever will glace with eyes that wonder what the truth is, but will not bother to ask.
And I gave the Christianeze reply -
"Well. God must think you are pretty strong. Cause He will never give you more than you can handle."
I remember her eyes. Horror? Hurt? Betrayal? And she she told me of how she definately could not handle this. And that the Holy Spirit carries her through the days and nights, holding her up. And then she feels the pull of falling.
And now, months later, I ponder that phrase - and realize - That when I am weak that HE is strong. That HE wants to "handle it."
And yet - I feel the pull - of the lie from the enemy - that tells Christian Homeschool Moms what they are supposed to do - look like- teach - produce- creat- cook- clean - serve- all while facing life's challenges.
And anything less than Joy and Rejoicing in Everything - comes out looking like Sin and Failure - judgement from those who know you nap through afternoons and skip math several days a week because you don't have the mental capacity to explain least common denominators one more time.
So you push. Knowing you are "Supposed to Handle". Supposed to have joy.
And this week - I have a friend who has lost her husband for a couple of years to the Justice System. Framed. Took a plea on the court's advice even though he maintained innocence. And then got the full sentence. And a friend who's marriage rips apart in a violent court struggle, while the husband flaunts his affairs and spending. Of a mother who's husband left her for a fling in town, and now has to earn a wage, learn a trade, live on her own. Another mother who left her husband, physical abuse, verbal abuse, and it took all the courage in her tiny little heart to tell, and leave. Moms who are dealing with the addictions of their spouses - in silence - and fear - and turmoil.
But we still proclaim it - after the heart is split open and the words are poured out. It is our response.
"Well, God must think you are strong. He would never give you more than you can handle."
And I heard from a friend this week - she has to leave the dream home that she thought she would raise her unborn child in, and continue to raise her son with her beloved that fights each day to earn a wage in this downturned economy. Her home has been snatched from her, along with her hope - and her outward joy. And those who come around her to pray - say Chin up. And She says - God must think I am pretty strong.
And that's when it all comes full circle to that conversation a few months ago - at the kitchen table - and I resolve to NEVER speak those words to another hurting sister EVER again.
And I stand on my soap box and scream BULL SHIT!!!! It's a lie. From the Devil. It's not in His Word. It's not the heart of Jesus. It is not the softness of the comforter of the Holy Spirit. It is B. S.
I looked it up this week. It's not even in the Bible, although memorized and spouted off as God's Holy Word. The closest thing to line up - is that God will never tempt you beyond what you will be able to walk away. In the case that you can't say ' God made me sin ' . He will always give a way out.
And having a weak humble heart and spirit is not sin. It is not a temptation to avoid. Self loathing? Not asking God for healing? Pulling others in your mire? Sinking into the temptation to dwell in the pit instead of facing life? Maybe. But a day or week or month of quiet stillness. Resting in Him. Is not sin.
Have you read the beatitudes lately? Blessed are the Poor in Spirit? Not sinful are those who can not handle living in this world that is not our home.
And today, as fires rage across Oklahoma, and waves surge along the Pacific Coast and demolish Japan - my heart is heavy. Wondering how long we will wait - while He waits for his Bride to be ready for His return.
I may struggle with depression. My body is not in shape. I am tired. And my heart is sad tonight. But my hope? In His Return? Is how I get up in the morning.
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