The past two weeks I have been reflecting over the year of change. From a community with over 1400 homeschoolers to 2 families. From a yahoo group of over 200 like minded families to cater to my every whim – to zero. From several activities every day to have the burden of choice – to dishes or mow the lawn.
I walked through several months of grief. I was sure that the Lord moved us here for the better. I heard promise from Him that this was going to be better for our family. I clung to that promise – while shaking my fist defiantly and stubbornly at the Lord as my heart was ripped up inside from the grief of leaving my friends, adopted family, church family, loved activities. As I watched my children grieve over the loss of their friends. It felt like death. Over and Over. Loss. Pain. Greif. Deep Aguish. Sorrowful. Troubled. Distress. Sad. Sore Hearted. Heavy. and Deeply Depressed. Finally, in December – I had a walk on the beach. Tears flying. Understanding gone. But a promise heavy on my heart. I cried out to the Lord. I admitted that what I thought we would walk through – I could not see. But I would look daily for what He as doing – for the better for my family. Sound dramatic to you? Rolling your eyes at a silly drama queen?
Christ knew. He knew what it felt like that day on the beach in a December Storm where the Salt from the Rain and the Salt from my tears mixed even.
http://bible.cc/matthew/26-37.htm - “and he became anguished and distressed.”
The link above will bring to you a parallel translation site – to see how those words were choosen. To try to reflect what Christ – as a human – as man – felt.
I had an attack constantly through those months. Guilt. Shame. I thought I should just look around and see what I do have. And Feel Better. The enemy made me want to crawl under a blanket in a dark room in the basement. The Enemy made me to feel that I was wrong. A Christian would not feel this depression. Everyone around me is used to a Mary Poppins – Joy Seen- Glad Tidings exterior. For a time. It just wasn’t there.
Fast forward. A Year later. And I am trying to write out a post. Of where we’ve come. Of How it Feels. Of how full I feel. Of how much I love this crazy tourist town and its people. Of the Church who has adopted our family as their family. Of friends of all different family backgrounds who have invited us into their homes. Of a home, physically in itself, is as near to perfect of what I’d order myself up in Heaven as it could get. Maybe with bigger bathrooms, if we um, need showers and such in Heaven. . . . .
I have been spending these Indian Summer afternoons with the boys outside, as the temperatures past 80 in the house with the western facing windows heating our rooms. Baseball. Kayaking. Walks on the beach. Skate parks. Swings. Walks around the neighborhood memorizing the names of all of the dogs. Patting our friend Joe on the head as he runs out to greet us. Friends calling to take us hiking and adventuring. Neighbor sister friends praying with us, guiding us, laughing with us.
And I feel another sort of guilt. One that I wasn’t sure how to write about.
The Fullness Of Life. The amazingness of my life. The Glory of where God has put us physically. The Amazing transformation of our Marriage. The Unity of our family and the boys. The Direction of our Learning Studies. The Support on line and in town of our studies. The Group of Lego families. The Godly Spiritual Truth of our Church Family. The Joy of discovery each day.
One year later. Sitting in the same chair. Same Spot. Same grass. As last year.
I read a verse this week. A familiar verse. And yet, It hit me. One of those – Think about this. Really Think. Chew. Talk. Digest. This is for you. Verses.
It is the rest of the verses from Matthew 26. Where Christ pleads, in this sorrow – for the cup to be passed over him. For it to be another way. For it not to be at all. And for the first time I heard and felt the sorrow. Of his friends who did not stand with Him. Of his closest church family who fell asleep when he needed them most. Who did not even walk up the hill with him.
And It hit me. The Secret of being full. Even in a valley of time. Drinking.
Christ finally tells the father – When his soul was crushed to the point of death – vs 27 – that in vs 42 – he bends. Takes it in. Agrees.
“If this cup – cannot pass – unless I drink it – Your will be done.”
Without knowing it – that was the basic prayer of my heart that December afternoon on the beach. Drink from his cup. Take His Yoke. Put your fork down. Lay your burden down. and pick up His.
I have spent alot of time in prayer these past few months – learning about healing. And knowing that God wants to heal my discouraged heart. That he wants reunion and joyful fellowship with the fullness of my being. That His Spirit longs to play happily with my Spirit. Without long sideways glances of remembering wounds. But eyes ahead at the prize of salvation and joyfully awaiting His return. Are you joyfully awaiting His return? Are you standing up to the lies of the enemy with Truth of the Word?
If you are struggling with the same soul – wounded to to the point of death like Christ’s – cry out to him. Tuck a comment here and I will promise to pray for your healing.