The Secret of Living a Life that is Full

The past two weeks I have been reflecting over the year of change. From a community with over 1400 homeschoolers to 2 families. From a yahoo group of over 200 like minded families to cater to my every whim – to zero. From several activities every day to have the burden of choice – to dishes or mow the lawn.

I walked through several months of grief. I was sure that the Lord moved us here for the better. I heard  promise from Him that this was going to be better for our family. I clung to that promise – while shaking my fist defiantly and stubbornly at the Lord as my heart was ripped up inside from the grief of leaving my friends, adopted family, church family, loved activities. As I watched my children grieve over the loss of their friends. It felt like death. Over and Over. Loss. Pain. Greif. Deep Aguish. Sorrowful. Troubled. Distress. Sad. Sore Hearted. Heavy. and Deeply Depressed.  Finally, in December – I had a walk on the beach. Tears flying. Understanding gone. But a promise heavy on my heart. I cried out to the Lord. I admitted that what I thought we would walk through – I could not see. But I would look daily for what He as doing – for the better for my family.  Sound dramatic to you? Rolling your eyes at a silly drama queen? 

Christ knew. He knew what it felt like that day on the beach in a December Storm where the Salt from the Rain and the Salt from my tears mixed even.

http://bible.cc/matthew/26-37.htm   - “and he became anguished and distressed.”

The link above will bring to you a parallel translation site – to see how those words were choosen. To try to reflect what Christ – as a human – as man – felt.

I had an attack constantly through those months. Guilt. Shame. I thought I should just look around and see what I do have. And Feel Better. The enemy made me want to crawl under a blanket in a dark room in the basement. The Enemy made me to feel that I was wrong. A Christian would not feel this depression. Everyone around me is used to a Mary Poppins – Joy Seen- Glad Tidings exterior. For a time. It just wasn’t there.

Fast forward. A Year later. And I am trying to write out a post. Of where we’ve come. Of How it Feels. Of how full I feel. Of how much I love this crazy tourist town and its people. Of the Church who has adopted our family as their family. Of friends of all different family backgrounds who have invited us into their homes. Of a home, physically in itself, is as near to perfect of what I’d order myself up in Heaven as it could get.  Maybe with bigger bathrooms, if we um, need showers and such in Heaven. . . . .

I have been spending these Indian Summer afternoons with the boys outside, as the temperatures past 80 in the house with the western facing windows heating our rooms. Baseball. Kayaking. Walks on the beach. Skate parks. Swings. Walks around the neighborhood memorizing the names of all of the dogs. Patting our friend Joe on the head as he runs out to greet us. Friends calling to take us hiking and adventuring. Neighbor sister friends praying with us, guiding us, laughing with us.

And I feel another sort of guilt. One that I wasn’t sure how to write about.

The Fullness Of Life. The amazingness of my life. The Glory of where God has put us physically. The Amazing transformation of our Marriage. The Unity of our family and the boys.  The Direction of our Learning Studies. The Support on line and in town of our studies. The Group of Lego families. The Godly Spiritual Truth of our Church Family. The Joy of discovery each day.

One year later. Sitting in the same chair. Same Spot. Same grass. As last year.

I read a verse this week. A familiar verse. And yet, It hit me. One of those – Think about this. Really Think. Chew. Talk. Digest. This is for you. Verses.

It is the rest of the verses from Matthew 26. Where Christ pleads, in this sorrow – for the cup to be passed over him. For it to be another way.  For it not to be at all. And for the first time I heard and felt the sorrow. Of his friends who did not stand with Him. Of his closest church family who fell asleep when he needed them most. Who did not even walk up the hill with him.

And It hit me. The Secret of being full. Even in a valley of time. Drinking.

Christ finally tells the father – When his soul was crushed to the point of death – vs 27 – that in vs 42 – he bends. Takes it in. Agrees.

“If this cup – cannot pass – unless I drink it – Your will be done.”

Without knowing it – that was the basic prayer of my heart that December afternoon on the beach.  Drink from his cup. Take His Yoke. Put your fork down. Lay your burden down. and pick up His.

I have spent alot of time in prayer these past few months – learning about healing. And knowing that God wants to heal my discouraged heart. That he wants reunion and joyful fellowship with the fullness of my being. That His Spirit longs to play happily with my Spirit. Without long sideways glances of remembering wounds. But eyes ahead at the prize of salvation and joyfully awaiting His return. Are you joyfully awaiting His return? Are you standing up to the lies of the enemy with Truth of the Word?

If you are struggling with the same soul – wounded to to the point of death like Christ’s – cry out to him. Tuck a comment here and I will promise to pray for your healing.

Remembering and Seeing

I am working through the A Woman After God’s  Own Heart, Workbook an DVD by Elizabeth George for two weeks. She is encouraging us to keep a prayer journal.

For the past year,  have glanced at my journal. Written little. I think the pain of separation from the people in the journal was too much, and the thought of buying a new one an moving on was something I wasn’t ready for yet. 

This morning I pulled out my bible journal and prayer journal.  One – I write down my thoughts as I read the Word. Sometimes passages of scripture from the Psalms and Proverbs. I read

Ps 94 that I had written in 2008 – He that planted the ear, shall he not hear? he that formed the eye, shall he not see? He that chastiseth the heathen, shall he not correct? He that teaches man knowledge, shall not he know?

I read many of the passages that the Lord brought to my attention during a year that my husband was unemployed, our church was completely changed over, my friends were in upheaval, my priorities were completely off.

Now, even only three years away – I see his protection. I see the peace of the words of comfort that he brought to me.

I read through the prayer journal.  I pray through the Lord’s Prayer, taking each section of the prayer as a section in my notebook. I see the prayers. I remember the tightness of heart going through some of those entries. I see the answered prayer. Except for one ongoing thorn in the side – they have all been answered. Greater and more abundant than I could have ever seen back then.

I read through two or three dreams and visions. One from before 2008 that was fulfilled this year. What was a mystery then, written in obedience, is now a telling of what has happened to us this year.

I have seen the fruit. Of writing it down. I have spent this past year sharing quite a bit of my thought and pondering journal with you.

For the most part – I am going to go back to writing it down in my journal. Kept. Peaceful. Left in His Hands.

I will still ponder and bore you here – but I am feeling healed. Whole. Ready. Standing at the Gate, Standing in the Gap. For the broken hearted. For those without hope. For the hurting. For those without healing. For those who lead us. I feel re-charged from the Spirit, after this year of rest, reflection and remembrance.  

Leave is over, the battle is still raging about me, I must stand as a warrior child of the King.