Questioning Church

This last topic. I have been pondering in my heart for weeks. I am having a hard time voicing it, even in my prayers.

I know many of you have struggled with "church". The Church Body. Denominations. Traditional? Contemporary? Saturday? Sunday?

I am pretty confident in my thoughts on denominations - if it is in the bible - I believe it. Simply. Fully. Sure I love a good Greek and Hebrew Study as well as the next academic geek - but simply, I believe the Holy Spirit will interpret scripture far more clearly than the Strong's dictionary or a lesson in history. If I need another book in order to understand what you are feeding me - then I turn off my brain.  If you need to tell me a personal experience to explain why the verse is relevant to your speech, I will ask for His guidance to hear truth.

So I can attend just about any congregation's weekly gathering. I may not stay and hang around if I constantly have to adjust what I have heard and line it up with truth to my boys - but I love the saints, and the gathering of those who have put their faith In Christ.

My ache in my heart stirs from the BUILDING aspect. And the choosing of a congregation.  In a town where there are so many wonderful choices, and the Spirit seems to be still on direction. And we visit these beautiful families gathering together. And they so want us to join with them.

And we are looking for some great church kids, similar ages to the boys, and have struggled to find any attending congregation. So we stop searching - and gather with a group of ladies. Whose love and joy of the Lord  is refreshing. Their outgoing comments encourage, and the Pastor gives admonishment and encouragement in the word.

And yet - I still feel the loss of church family - as even after a year - we have not created outside friendships, save for the one neighbor that attends there. Offers of fellowship outside of meeting dates are turned down.  Children do not come to befriend our boys. And I am left week after week feeling the lonliness in a crowd.  I hear from one sister - and she tells me of her jealousy that I came into the crowd, and the time that the other women give to me. I can't help but stare in silence. Because they say Hi to me for 10 seconds on Sunday - she is unable to give friendship?

And then the illness comes full force. It started in November, then worsened with a viral infection in December, and lasted through the first week of January, and slowly through to February we fought to leave the house.  And we are unable to attend on Sundays. Unable to attend anything.  And little did I know at that time that with my body shutting down, the depression was tightening around my heart and mind.

And no one came. And our house flooded. And our Bank Account Broke. And our stomachs were hungry. And no one came.  And our son walked to a nearby church.

And then they came. By txt and by email. Of questioning. of Shame. of Hurt. But no offers to pick up the kids, even after my urging, to bring them to fellowship.

And so - as we pulled out - we gravitated towards those who did come, and give food, and encouragement, and teaching - while we were at the bottom of the pit.

And then they came again, with hurt, and advice, and hurtful comments.

And now - as I am coming out of the fog that has been the last 3-4 months - I am seeing more clearly. And wondering about these buildings full of people wanting the approval that comes with joining their membership. And hurt around town, from those we didn't choose.

Do we have to congregate in the same building to a part of the same Body? Or to maintain friendships?

And today - it came to a head for me. And broke my heart. And it is the first time my heart has been full of sadness and the weight of pain and mourning.  As I approached two christian sisters today - and they shunned me. Openly. Before my children. Swiftly and quickly as I tried to embrace them after not seeing them for months.

Sigh.

Why?  Why do we have such a tiny little town full of so many tiny churches?  One church trying to build  a multimillion dollar monument to attract the rest of the town.  "When we get the millions, and build the building, then THEN we will be able to go into the community to find those who do not know Christ". Yep. Out of the young pastor's mouth.  Sigh.

What do you think? What part of Sunday Church is biblical to the Body of Christ? Sorrow. Sadness. and a Broken Heart for His Body.

He WILL give you more than you can handle -

I remember the conversation.  I was sitting at her kitchen table. A bold, confident Survivor. Of loss. Of a child, both parents, a spouse and all of her other children. All within a year. Several friends and family members to death, and several to moving away in bitterness. A church that turned their back on her. A community that forever will glace with eyes that wonder what the truth is, but will not bother to ask.
And I gave the Christianeze reply -

"Well. God must think you are pretty strong. Cause He will never give you more than you can handle."

I remember her eyes. Horror? Hurt? Betrayal? And she she told me of how she definately could not handle this. And that the Holy Spirit carries her through the days and nights, holding her up. And then she feels the pull of falling.

And now, months later, I ponder that phrase - and realize - That when I am weak that HE is strong. That HE wants to "handle it."

And yet - I feel the pull - of the lie from the enemy - that tells Christian Homeschool Moms what they are supposed to do - look like- teach - produce- creat- cook- clean - serve- all while facing life's challenges.

And anything less than Joy and Rejoicing in Everything - comes out looking like Sin and Failure - judgement from those who know you nap through afternoons and skip math several days a week because you don't have the mental capacity to explain least common denominators one more time.

So you push. Knowing you are "Supposed to Handle". Supposed to have joy.

And this week - I have a friend who has lost her husband for a couple of years to the Justice System.  Framed. Took a plea on the court's advice even though he maintained innocence. And then got the full sentence. And a friend who's marriage rips apart in a violent court struggle, while the husband flaunts his affairs and spending. Of a mother who's husband left her for a fling in town, and now has to earn a wage, learn a trade, live on her own. Another mother who left her husband, physical abuse, verbal abuse, and it took all the courage in her tiny little heart to tell, and leave. Moms who are dealing with the addictions of their spouses - in silence - and fear - and turmoil.

But we still proclaim it - after the heart is split open and the words are poured out. It is our response.

"Well, God must think you are strong. He would never give you more than you can handle."

And I heard from a friend this week - she has to leave the dream home that she thought she would raise her unborn child in, and continue to raise her son with her beloved that fights each day to earn a wage in this downturned economy. Her home has been snatched from her, along with her hope - and her outward joy. And those who come around her to pray - say Chin up. And She says - God must think I am pretty strong.

And that's when it all comes full circle to that conversation a few months ago - at the kitchen table - and I resolve to NEVER speak those words to another hurting sister EVER again.

And I stand on my soap box and scream BULL SHIT!!!! It's a lie. From the Devil. It's not in His Word. It's not the heart of Jesus. It is not the softness of the comforter of the Holy Spirit. It is B. S.

I looked it up this week. It's not even in the Bible, although memorized and spouted off as God's Holy Word.  The closest thing to line up - is that God will never tempt you beyond what you will be able to walk away. In the case that you can't say ' God made me sin ' .  He will always give a way out.

And having a weak humble heart and spirit is not sin. It is not a temptation to avoid.  Self loathing? Not asking God for healing? Pulling others in your mire? Sinking into the temptation to dwell in the pit instead of facing life? Maybe. But a day or week or month of quiet stillness. Resting in Him. Is not sin. 

Have you read the beatitudes lately? Blessed are the Poor in Spirit?  Not sinful are those who can not handle living in this world that is not our home.

And today, as fires rage across Oklahoma, and waves surge along the Pacific Coast and demolish Japan - my heart is heavy. Wondering how long we will wait - while He waits for his Bride to be ready for His return.

I may struggle with depression. My body is not in shape. I am tired. And my heart is sad tonight. But my hope? In His Return? Is how I get up in the morning.

Of Healing

I have felt my body go downhill physically of the last several months. I think the low point came in June - and has just not bulstered from there. My immune system seems to be on the brink of death - as we seem to catch every cold that has come to our county - when we have gone several years without a sniffle.

After bowing out of every planned activity from December to early February - including not really planning for Birthdays and Holidays - I sought out a doctor to help.

After a quick blood test - she told me several things that were wrong, and easily leveled out with simple medications.  She prayed for me. I told her of some of the personal things I was going through. She gave me an EKG to rule out heart attacks. She said I had classic signs of long term stress. Stress? I love my life. What was she talking about???

That was the first week of Febrary - and I am finally feeling like I'm seeing sunshine again. She said it would be 4-6 weeks for the Thyroid to stablize, the vitamins to soak in, and the body and mind to heal. Maybe longer for the latter.

I am learning more about the stress in my life. That has shut down my body, led to depression, and heart attack feeling anxiety. And through it all - trying to maintain a pollyanna persona - do it all -get-er done- cheerful pace. I have known for a few weeks that I wasn't fooling anyone. . . .

I have asked the Lord for healing.  Instantly the pain and swelling in my heart let down. The numbness to my hands receeded, the ache in my ribs went away. That alone cheered me up.

I have been praying to seek out what the "Stress" is that is out to destroy my life and limb.

Without sharing all of my personal details - I can say that most of it was internal. Even if it was a situation around me- it was the way I processed it.  If you are having trouble with Anxiety and Stress and Depression I'd rather talk about my journey out face to face, or email to email than here on the ponderings blog.

I will say that the most healing thing has been my own voice. Acknowledging what I can't do. If I had a broken arm, I'd be in a cast. If I had knee surgery I would have crutches. But with this brokeness, there is no sign or signal to those around me than my humble heart, willingness to share, and willingness to play the weaker part. My family has stepped up. I feel very loved and secure, and I have prayed for the guilt of "not doing" to vanish.

One thing I have experienced - is that my frustration and anger are quite diminished. Knock on wood - but pretty much entirely.  I think my struggle to maintain, brought in the hightened level of "almost over the edge" and the quick replies came from that. With this new mellow weak humble meek spirit, that I have received through going through healing, I have lost the bend up frustrations. I wonder if my spirit feels as those do who are hospital bed bound. At some point. You just have to realize. You can't move. Or Stir. And you have to rely on others for everything.

I never thougth I'd say this, but this is the season I am in. I think it is what the Lord has been trying to teach me sense He took me from my over active life in Central Oregon.  The strength, peace, assurance, renewed hope and love for others that has developed over me sitting down. I have no words.

I am praying for my friends that I know are going through the same thing - either through physical shut down, or outside circumstance, or mean people.  I pray for you. Your name is ever on my lips.

Heavy Heart

I was just thinking - of how I haven't shared my ponderings with you here in a while.

I have a few topics - but when I sit - they all get muddled together, into a huge whiney post.

Today my heart is saddended for those who have lost lives and property from the quake and water.

Our entire town feels like it is in the after shocks  - people were evacuated. You feel so relieved that your town wasn't hit - but then feel a bit guilty for those that were. 

I'll keep thinking - pondering - and sharing. But for now - prayers for our rescue workers and for those helping in Japan.

Let Go of the Rope

In years past - I have feared hitting rock bottom. In finance.  In struggles. With addictions. In self destruction. Especially Finance. I had said it many times, and heard others speak of it, with fear in their eyes. "What if we hit rock bottom?" "Wonder if they will have to hit rock bottom?" "I don't know what will happen if they hit rock bottom."

Know what we found out?  Rock bottom isn't that bad. Its the end of the fall. The Rock is firm. A person can stand back up. On steady feet. We've hit it a few times, and really? I fear it no longer.

Several times over the past year and a half, the Lord has been teaching me to put down my yoke, to take His. Mostly in relationships and activity. The Striving. To be a mom. A Homeschooler. A Church Member. A Group Member. A Friend. It has been the year of realizing I've been working too hard. I find myself slipping.

And thats when my wording changed. When Satan slips in. I start to feel that I'm at the end of my rope. Dangling. The struggle. Feeling so tired, yet gripping all the more firmly. Striving.

Ever wonder why the Lord allows us to get to the end of our rope before His answer comes so quickly? My mind swirls in circles as it reaches out to create the scenario that will save me. Finding none, my mind starts to turn off. Shut down. I feel myself slipping from the rope.

Finally, my stubborn fingers let go.

That's when I find my feet.

Back on the Rock.

Joy comes in the morning

And this morning – I woke with joy. Anticipation for my little boy’s return. I light the tree. Unclutter the front entrance. Sweep the living room. Light the fire. Perk the coffee. Light the oil lamps. The light outside is still dark – the water is calm, the surf is quiet. Was it the eclipse? Wondering what the eclipse did to the surf line.

I turn on Lil Boy Blue (The New to Me G4 IBook) and stream Lighthouse Radio. Nancy Lee DeMoss is on with a word of encouragement. Dave comes on and even apologies for being so peppy at 6:02.  Why apologize for being peppy? I like Peppy.

This morning’s verse is from 2 Corinthians 3 – He reads the entire passage.  My heart swells as the Spirit inside me gets excited as the paragraph comes to an end with the following -

¹⁶But whenever a person turns [in repentance] to the Lord, the veil is stripped off and taken away.

¹⁷Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty (emancipation from bondage, freedom).^(D)

¹⁸And all of us, as with unveiled face, [because we] continued to behold [in the Word of God] as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever increasing splendor and from one degree of glory to another; [for this comes] from the Lord [Who is] the Spirit.

Freedom. In the Spirit. Boldness  More bold than Moses – to speak truth. We have freedom to be bold. . . Do we practice this freedom?

I cried my way through the evening last night. Those dratted quiet streams of water that leak. Swelling of sorrow in my chest. Softened by the comfort of my honey and the words of a friend. I fell to sleep early-ish – missed the eclipse. 50 minutes til my sons return.

And yet, It could be moments until The Son’s Return. Are our houses ready? Is our anticipation great? Are our lamps lit? Are our fires burning? Are our words Bold? Is the House ready?

Is it any wonder that God has given the mom the passion and desire to ready the house for company and the return of family? As He quickens our hearts for the return of His Son.

Hebrews 13:5

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as you have: for he has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you.

My heart Rests in Christ.

The week of Christmas

and my heart is torn and aching a little.

Oh – it’s easy to say we don’t really celebrate Christmas. We prefer a simple Christmas. We like to keep it quiet. We realize it’s not really Christ’s Birthday.

But.

We also live in America. Next to people with double incomes and credit accounts. With commercials on TV and Movies and TV Shows with dozens of presents under the tree.

Its hard to wrap joy. Wrap Bird Watching Every Day. Wrap Bills that are paid. Wrap Rent that is current. Wrap frozen chicken in the freezer, or the Gas for the Heater or the Car. Hard to wrap a checking account that is in the Black – even if by only a few dollars.

We were gifted with cards from church – a gift from a grandmother – and a gift from my parents this year. In my book – we will have a small beautiful celebration this week. There will not be “without”.

But I have a little boy. Who has been exposed for the last 4 days to a world he has never seen. Even in Bend. Where not only is money no object – but the desire for it to be shown is bold. At least in Bend, everyone seemed to hide the money that was paying the mortgages with grungy SUV’s and Snow Board Pants.

I have a little boy with a big heart. Who wants to give. Who has people on his prayer list that have real needs. Power Turned Off. Child Lost in Death. Children without food. And he sees a mother purchase $75.00 earrings for a 6 year old daughter. He sees the extravagance of a 20+foot tree laden with presents for two small children. And he wants to give. His heart hurts. He calls me with a weak small sobbing voice. We cry together on the phone. He will be home Lord Willing in my arms in the morning at 8.

The idea and reality of a simple Christmas is marvelous. I wouldn’t want anything different. If we were laden with abunance in a savings account – I wouldn’t want to load the bottom of the tree with plastic trinkets.

My heart is broken – because my son’s heart is broken. He has seen the World. He has seen self indulgence. How he never seemed to be exposed to it in Bend I’ll never know.  I’ve asked my other son tonight how he handled it in Bend.  He said he was just glad he got to play with all the toys of his friends. He felt co-ownership with his best friend’s abundance.

Hubby came home from work while I was trying to type this out. I got to cry it out with him. There isn’t anything to sort out – we live a very blessed life – just an almost cashless one.

Every day I wake up, watch the Blue Herons dance with the White Egrets over the lake and sip my coffee with my warm feet and feel so everlasting thankful for being in this home, and pray for those around the world – waking to pain and suffering. So please hear my heart. It just hurts. Cause my son’s hurts. Tomorrow morning could not come soon enough.