Have you ever lost it all?

Have you ever sold everything you owned to move somewhere? We did last year. I was glad to be rid of our thrift store belongings – to have the monies to move – and to take care of our Landlord’s belongings in their home.  I didn’t expect to miss any of the things that went to the garage sale and the thrift store. A couple of books – a blow torch that we used for weeding the fence – and a school table got put on the truck or sold at the garage sale that wasn’t meant to be – but other than that – no thought of what we had.  What I wasn’t expecting – is the response from others. Friends and Strangers. 

You Can’t Do That! I stare at them with disbelief as they stare equally back at me with horror and disbelief. 

This week we have had a cold bug go through the family – so the little details of cleaning have gone undone. This morning I woke up with the joy to clean – which is my favorite way. Tucking little items back in their spots – wiping and straightening. Caring for my home is caring for my family and guests. As I sorted out my reading stand – I saw that it needed a little Old English Lemon Oil Care. 

As Jon brought me the bottle I got to tell him more stories of Nana and Grandpa – and of how I love each book in the little shelf.

I did keep a few pieces. Not of value necessarily – but of memory. As I rub the oil over the wood – I remember who gave it to me. I remember the time they spent in prayer for me. I remember the grandparents that spent so much time with me as a child. I am thankful to my parents for seeing that I was well cared for as a baby.  There was a time as an infant – where my birth parents could have given me up for adoption – or to another family – but they gave me to my grandparents.  Most of who I am and how I think came from the time I spent with my Grandma Ruth and Grandpa Oliver.  Simple. Basics. A Quiet Life. A Love for the Word. A Love for My Lord. A Love for working with my hands in the dirt, with cloth, and with a pen.

This morning, as I brought back fresh life into those few pieces. My mind pondered. My heart swelled. The Love breathed fresh and full for those the Lord laid out to care for me as a child. I look at my little helper today, sweeping and wiping with his little dish rag. And I smile. Knowing – that whatever mistakes I perceive to make in a day with him- that the Lord is in control – and He has just the right helpers in my path for my boys.

I could loose all of the pretty things today – and would not loose my Christ. Would not loose my wonderful childhood memories. Would not loose my desire to make a mean biscuit. Grow the best Flowers or largest zucchini. Love the open air on my cheeks driving 70 on the back of a motorcycle. Love the spark of interest in book keeping and organizing from time spent on a lap in a big ol chair at  a big ol desk. Hours spent playing games at a little table. Time spent listening to the Word be read by the fire after a mess of bean soup.  What more could one need? What more would one want? I hug my precious memories tight this morning. :) Thanks for sharing them with me. :)

The Secret of Living a Life that is Full

The past two weeks I have been reflecting over the year of change. From a community with over 1400 homeschoolers to 2 families. From a yahoo group of over 200 like minded families to cater to my every whim – to zero. From several activities every day to have the burden of choice – to dishes or mow the lawn.

I walked through several months of grief. I was sure that the Lord moved us here for the better. I heard  promise from Him that this was going to be better for our family. I clung to that promise – while shaking my fist defiantly and stubbornly at the Lord as my heart was ripped up inside from the grief of leaving my friends, adopted family, church family, loved activities. As I watched my children grieve over the loss of their friends. It felt like death. Over and Over. Loss. Pain. Greif. Deep Aguish. Sorrowful. Troubled. Distress. Sad. Sore Hearted. Heavy. and Deeply Depressed.  Finally, in December – I had a walk on the beach. Tears flying. Understanding gone. But a promise heavy on my heart. I cried out to the Lord. I admitted that what I thought we would walk through – I could not see. But I would look daily for what He as doing – for the better for my family.  Sound dramatic to you? Rolling your eyes at a silly drama queen? 

Christ knew. He knew what it felt like that day on the beach in a December Storm where the Salt from the Rain and the Salt from my tears mixed even.

http://bible.cc/matthew/26-37.htm   - “and he became anguished and distressed.”

The link above will bring to you a parallel translation site – to see how those words were choosen. To try to reflect what Christ – as a human – as man – felt.

I had an attack constantly through those months. Guilt. Shame. I thought I should just look around and see what I do have. And Feel Better. The enemy made me want to crawl under a blanket in a dark room in the basement. The Enemy made me to feel that I was wrong. A Christian would not feel this depression. Everyone around me is used to a Mary Poppins – Joy Seen- Glad Tidings exterior. For a time. It just wasn’t there.

Fast forward. A Year later. And I am trying to write out a post. Of where we’ve come. Of How it Feels. Of how full I feel. Of how much I love this crazy tourist town and its people. Of the Church who has adopted our family as their family. Of friends of all different family backgrounds who have invited us into their homes. Of a home, physically in itself, is as near to perfect of what I’d order myself up in Heaven as it could get.  Maybe with bigger bathrooms, if we um, need showers and such in Heaven. . . . .

I have been spending these Indian Summer afternoons with the boys outside, as the temperatures past 80 in the house with the western facing windows heating our rooms. Baseball. Kayaking. Walks on the beach. Skate parks. Swings. Walks around the neighborhood memorizing the names of all of the dogs. Patting our friend Joe on the head as he runs out to greet us. Friends calling to take us hiking and adventuring. Neighbor sister friends praying with us, guiding us, laughing with us.

And I feel another sort of guilt. One that I wasn’t sure how to write about.

The Fullness Of Life. The amazingness of my life. The Glory of where God has put us physically. The Amazing transformation of our Marriage. The Unity of our family and the boys.  The Direction of our Learning Studies. The Support on line and in town of our studies. The Group of Lego families. The Godly Spiritual Truth of our Church Family. The Joy of discovery each day.

One year later. Sitting in the same chair. Same Spot. Same grass. As last year.

I read a verse this week. A familiar verse. And yet, It hit me. One of those – Think about this. Really Think. Chew. Talk. Digest. This is for you. Verses.

It is the rest of the verses from Matthew 26. Where Christ pleads, in this sorrow – for the cup to be passed over him. For it to be another way.  For it not to be at all. And for the first time I heard and felt the sorrow. Of his friends who did not stand with Him. Of his closest church family who fell asleep when he needed them most. Who did not even walk up the hill with him.

And It hit me. The Secret of being full. Even in a valley of time. Drinking.

Christ finally tells the father – When his soul was crushed to the point of death – vs 27 – that in vs 42 – he bends. Takes it in. Agrees.

“If this cup – cannot pass – unless I drink it – Your will be done.”

Without knowing it – that was the basic prayer of my heart that December afternoon on the beach.  Drink from his cup. Take His Yoke. Put your fork down. Lay your burden down. and pick up His.

I have spent alot of time in prayer these past few months – learning about healing. And knowing that God wants to heal my discouraged heart. That he wants reunion and joyful fellowship with the fullness of my being. That His Spirit longs to play happily with my Spirit. Without long sideways glances of remembering wounds. But eyes ahead at the prize of salvation and joyfully awaiting His return. Are you joyfully awaiting His return? Are you standing up to the lies of the enemy with Truth of the Word?

If you are struggling with the same soul – wounded to to the point of death like Christ’s – cry out to him. Tuck a comment here and I will promise to pray for your healing.

Remembering and Seeing

I am working through the A Woman After God’s  Own Heart, Workbook an DVD by Elizabeth George for two weeks. She is encouraging us to keep a prayer journal.

For the past year,  have glanced at my journal. Written little. I think the pain of separation from the people in the journal was too much, and the thought of buying a new one an moving on was something I wasn’t ready for yet. 

This morning I pulled out my bible journal and prayer journal.  One – I write down my thoughts as I read the Word. Sometimes passages of scripture from the Psalms and Proverbs. I read

Ps 94 that I had written in 2008 – He that planted the ear, shall he not hear? he that formed the eye, shall he not see? He that chastiseth the heathen, shall he not correct? He that teaches man knowledge, shall not he know?

I read many of the passages that the Lord brought to my attention during a year that my husband was unemployed, our church was completely changed over, my friends were in upheaval, my priorities were completely off.

Now, even only three years away – I see his protection. I see the peace of the words of comfort that he brought to me.

I read through the prayer journal.  I pray through the Lord’s Prayer, taking each section of the prayer as a section in my notebook. I see the prayers. I remember the tightness of heart going through some of those entries. I see the answered prayer. Except for one ongoing thorn in the side – they have all been answered. Greater and more abundant than I could have ever seen back then.

I read through two or three dreams and visions. One from before 2008 that was fulfilled this year. What was a mystery then, written in obedience, is now a telling of what has happened to us this year.

I have seen the fruit. Of writing it down. I have spent this past year sharing quite a bit of my thought and pondering journal with you.

For the most part – I am going to go back to writing it down in my journal. Kept. Peaceful. Left in His Hands.

I will still ponder and bore you here – but I am feeling healed. Whole. Ready. Standing at the Gate, Standing in the Gap. For the broken hearted. For those without hope. For the hurting. For those without healing. For those who lead us. I feel re-charged from the Spirit, after this year of rest, reflection and remembrance.  

Leave is over, the battle is still raging about me, I must stand as a warrior child of the King.

Are you holding the Coin?

Secrets. Transparency. Stuff it and Move On. Confession. Not Hurting Others. Only Hurting Self.

I have heard the theme of these all week long. Betrayal. Addiction. Relationship. Sin. Theft. Greed.

Do you realize that Satan holds the players in his hands too? Through Shame. Guilt. Fear.

He tricks us into hiding. Building on the story line of embarrassment and guilt. How many days will build into years – as we hold on to the sins of the past. Maybe of those no one could ever know about?   We tuck it away. Silent. he has tricked us into believing we are safer this way. Our families are safer.

I write. I used to journal more on paper. I have learned the truth of James when he says to confess your sins before man.

Sometimes when we confess our sins to the Lord in silent prayer – it keeps the sins selfish. When we confess our sins to man – it is a release. What is released? They are already forgiven – forgotten from the east to the west.  - It is us. We give it up. Give up the hiding. Give up the struggle. Laid down. Empty of what we are holding.

And when we are empty – then – He can fill us up.

The Lord asks us to become like children – Sometimes it makes me roll my eyes – more often though I know. I spend enough time listening to learn more from them than they will ever glean from me.

A little boy comes up to me yesterday. Sounding overly chipper. A fake chipper. “I’m going to make a card!!!”. Ok, I answer. He heaves his craft box onto the school desk. Not the right card in there. May he use some of my fancy paper? It needs to be fancy I’m told. Yes – my reply as I reach for my card stock.  Behind us several bins store years of my passion of sending note cards out.

Who is your card for? 

I smile wide – waiting for the the expected answer of his Mimi. She sent a flyer about sea glass tucked in with a Happy Beach Day Card ad some monies for some salt water taffy and a bright round swirled sucker.

“It’s for my Friend. . .” He speaks slower. Quieter. I owe him a card.

Oh his friend. Again I wait for the expected remembrances retold of the great cards and objects they have mailed back and forth this past year, and even when we lived in the same town.

“I told him about the coin.  Last week. He didn’t even remember.”

The paper sits on the table. I wait on the table as well.

Quickly, it comes out – “We were digging at the rock – and I saw the quarter – but he saw it first – but I grabbed it first – and it was old.”

“Do you think I’ll need double sticky tape or glue?”

He runs off, and comes back with the coin - how great the coin is. The value. The Differences. The Age. The Composition. It’s monetary auction value – that he supposes it must be. And he confesses.

“I told My Friend about it. His dad could really do something great with this. I have to mail it back. Could you write the note? I can’t write it.”

He pours out his little heart in a paragraph.  If his friend remembers – the paragraph will have meaning. But none as great as on this little boy’s heart.  I lay down the paper, it is shorter than his told story. And urge him to write it. To form the words. And he does.

Spirit lifted – he asks to choose brighter paper. The Paper Cutter. The gift will be given. He’s concerned about the tape on the Coin.

I address the envelope and he rushes out to the mailbox.  I do not hear about the coin all day.

But – I do. I hear a story about family secrecy. Of the need to say a simple I’m Sorry.  I hear it over and over. From each person I speak to today.  They can tell their stories to others. Over email. On the phone. But not in person. Not to the one that needs to hear it.

And I ponder this morning. What coin are you holding today?  This coin was found at a week long camp, a year and a half ago. In Mr. Messy’s Room. And yet, The Spirit must have been bringing it to the surface. Each time the enemy attacked a tiny boy’s heart – and told him to hide it away.

Are you listening? FIVE MINUTES of obedience. VERY FEW WORDS are needed.  How long would you be embarrassed after? How long have you been holding your coin already? How heavy has it become? Give it back. Let it go. Make an empty space. Give Him the yoke.

Tell your story. Out loud. Say you’re sorry.

I think  a little boy would tell you it was worth it.

Fences

I have quite a few friends who are in the midst of transition.  Some appointed – some by their own making – some by the neglect of others.  We talk about faith. And “What God Wants”. Sigh. What does God want? How do we know for sure? How do you talk with this one and see an easy path – and tag it with  quick, “Yes, that seems to be God’s direction for you.” – And then talk with another friends, same circumstances – and see yet a different direction.

I can but only share from my experience. I can only offer what I have heard and read.  And now, more times than not – I can but only offer ears without words. A cup of tea, pressed coffee, a cookie.

We have gone through a year of transition. Into the unknown. Taxing family relationships. Stressed by relationships around us. Income shrinking. School group options stripped away. And I have felt it.  The desire to run. The Desire to Flea. That if I step up – and make my choice – that’s “best for me”  - that life will be better.

And yet – I do know the answer. Of how to know. Because at this point in my life I am a mom. And I have been a wife for over 20 years. And I am a child of the King. And I have the Holy Spirit Living in Me.  And no matter what others are doing around me – His Word is clear. Of what I am to do. How I am to think. How I am to be a servant. How I am to be submissive. And, in those areas – it is so crazy at how the “But if the other person  . . . . then" is not found.  If they – then you don’t have to forgive. And If you forgive but it was really bad, then you do not have to pardon. If they do it again you get to leave. If they don’t do this, you no longer have to serve. If their will crosses yours, you no longer have to submit. 

Loopholes. To the Fences. It was after a phone call and an online chat – of the discouragement of where we are – that I woke up to read the page of Fences by Joni Eareckson Tada.  A link to the page is here <<Diamonds in the Dust, Fences>>.

Of how we are looking for the loopholes. My favorite quote from a book I am reading called Blind Hope by Kim Meader  - “The grass is only greener on the other side – if you water it”. Why water the neighbor’s grass? When there are not enough moments in the day to water your own? From Diamonds today – it hit me - “I was restless, looking for life’s loopholes to crawl through. But for what? Greener pastures? No, Life’s Weeds.”

So my challenge for myself – is to again refocus on living in the moment. Giving my Today speech.  Listing all the things that are firm in my life today – that I am thankful for today – and not listening to what may or may not crumble tomorrow. Do the Next Thing – instead of worrying about what will crash down , what I won’t be able to go through – next week.

What fence are you looking to cross? What selfish dissatisfaction – even righteous intolerance – are you willing to go against what God wants for you? You might find yourself locked in the barn, like my friend in the Fences story. But – I still love ya. I’ll come bring ya a cookie. :)

Fences

I have quite a few friends who are in the midst of transition.  Some appointed – some by their own making – some by the neglect of others.  We talk about faith. And “What God Wants”. Sigh. What does God want? How do we know for sure? How do you talk with this one and see an easy path – and tag it with  quick, “Yes, that seems to be God’s direction for you.” – And then talk with another friends, same circumstances – and see yet a different direction.

I can but only share from my experience. I can only offer what I have heard and read.  And now, more times than not – I can but only offer ears without words. A cup of tea, pressed coffee, a cookie.

We have gone through a year of transition. Into the unknown. Taxing family relationships. Stressed by relationships around us. Income shrinking. School group options stripped away. And I have felt it.  The desire to run. The Desire to Flea. That if I step up – and make my choice – that’s “best for me”  - that life will be better.

And yet – I do know the answer. Of how to know. Because at this point in my life I am a mom. And I have been a wife for over 20 years. And I am a child of the King. And I have the Holy Spirit Living in Me.  And no matter what others are doing around me – His Word is clear. Of what I am to do. How I am to think. How I am to be a servant. How I am to be submissive. And, in those areas – it is so crazy at how the “But if the other person  . . . . then" is not found.  If they – then you don’t have to forgive. And If you forgive but it was really bad, then you do not have to pardon. If they do it again you get to leave. If they don’t do this, you no longer have to serve. If their will crosses yours, you no longer have to submit. 

Loopholes. To the Fences. It was after a phone call and an online chat – of the discouragement of where we are – that I woke up to read the page of Fences by Joni Eareckson Tada.  A link to the page is here <<Diamonds in the Dust, Fences>>.

Of how we are looking for the loopholes. My favorite quote from a book I am reading called Blind Hope by Kim Meader  - “The grass is only greener on the other side – if you water it”. Why water the neighbor’s grass? When there are not enough moments in the day to water your own? From Diamonds today – it hit me - “I was restless, looking for life’s loopholes to crawl through. But for what? Greener pastures? No, Life’s Weeds.”

So my challenge for myself – is to again refocus on living in the moment. Giving my Today speech.  Listing all the things that are firm in my life today – that I am thankful for today – and not listening to what may or may not crumble tomorrow. Do the Next Thing – instead of worrying about what will crash down , what I won’t be able to go through – next week.

What fence are you looking to cross? What selfish dissatisfaction – even righteous intolerance – are you willing to go against what God wants for you? You might find yourself locked in the barn, like my friend in the Fences story. But – I still love ya. I’ll come bring ya a cookie. :)

Is your Focus on the Hard?

Reading from my Diamonds in the Dust book again this morning – and Joni Eareckson Tada – and again – I am marveled at what the Lord places before me – each morning.
Today – is Romans 12.  From Joni –

Romans 12:12 – Be Joyful in Hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (NIV)

And it hits me.  Through the discouragement raging in the midst of my own thoughts and those around me – that we have an active command from the Lord.  Rejoice in Hope.

The MessageBible makes it clear: Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame!

I thumb back to Romans 12:1 – as I keep my Bible near when being sparked by the Spirit in Diamonds in the Dust – to see what would be happening – for a command to come out – BE JOYFUL.
I was pre-coffee and too early to think – and so I was overjoyed when one of my favorite scriptures leapt out at me like a surprise visit from a friend.

¹ I appeal to you therefore, brothers,by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. ² Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. ^(ESV)

Are we being transformed -  by this world – into loosing our hope?  Loosing the Joy while waiting? I hear the messages – even this morning through my favorite blogs – of how hard it is – living in these end times.

God did not want us to focus on the Hard. But to focus on the Hope!

I encourage you, as I did today, to take a moment – and read the 12th chapter of Romans. To see what the hard was for their lives. How hard God knew it would be – to live in this world, and yet wait joyfully for Him.
Are you Joyful in your Hope? Patient during Afflictions? Are you Praying Always?

Are you spending time In the Word?

Go now – and read Romans 12 –
I’ll send you there to make it easier. :)
<<<Bible Gateway Romans 12>>