Of Healing

I have felt my body go downhill physically of the last several months. I think the low point came in June - and has just not bulstered from there. My immune system seems to be on the brink of death - as we seem to catch every cold that has come to our county - when we have gone several years without a sniffle.

After bowing out of every planned activity from December to early February - including not really planning for Birthdays and Holidays - I sought out a doctor to help.

After a quick blood test - she told me several things that were wrong, and easily leveled out with simple medications.  She prayed for me. I told her of some of the personal things I was going through. She gave me an EKG to rule out heart attacks. She said I had classic signs of long term stress. Stress? I love my life. What was she talking about???

That was the first week of Febrary - and I am finally feeling like I'm seeing sunshine again. She said it would be 4-6 weeks for the Thyroid to stablize, the vitamins to soak in, and the body and mind to heal. Maybe longer for the latter.

I am learning more about the stress in my life. That has shut down my body, led to depression, and heart attack feeling anxiety. And through it all - trying to maintain a pollyanna persona - do it all -get-er done- cheerful pace. I have known for a few weeks that I wasn't fooling anyone. . . .

I have asked the Lord for healing.  Instantly the pain and swelling in my heart let down. The numbness to my hands receeded, the ache in my ribs went away. That alone cheered me up.

I have been praying to seek out what the "Stress" is that is out to destroy my life and limb.

Without sharing all of my personal details - I can say that most of it was internal. Even if it was a situation around me- it was the way I processed it.  If you are having trouble with Anxiety and Stress and Depression I'd rather talk about my journey out face to face, or email to email than here on the ponderings blog.

I will say that the most healing thing has been my own voice. Acknowledging what I can't do. If I had a broken arm, I'd be in a cast. If I had knee surgery I would have crutches. But with this brokeness, there is no sign or signal to those around me than my humble heart, willingness to share, and willingness to play the weaker part. My family has stepped up. I feel very loved and secure, and I have prayed for the guilt of "not doing" to vanish.

One thing I have experienced - is that my frustration and anger are quite diminished. Knock on wood - but pretty much entirely.  I think my struggle to maintain, brought in the hightened level of "almost over the edge" and the quick replies came from that. With this new mellow weak humble meek spirit, that I have received through going through healing, I have lost the bend up frustrations. I wonder if my spirit feels as those do who are hospital bed bound. At some point. You just have to realize. You can't move. Or Stir. And you have to rely on others for everything.

I never thougth I'd say this, but this is the season I am in. I think it is what the Lord has been trying to teach me sense He took me from my over active life in Central Oregon.  The strength, peace, assurance, renewed hope and love for others that has developed over me sitting down. I have no words.

I am praying for my friends that I know are going through the same thing - either through physical shut down, or outside circumstance, or mean people.  I pray for you. Your name is ever on my lips.

Heavy Heart

I was just thinking - of how I haven't shared my ponderings with you here in a while.

I have a few topics - but when I sit - they all get muddled together, into a huge whiney post.

Today my heart is saddended for those who have lost lives and property from the quake and water.

Our entire town feels like it is in the after shocks  - people were evacuated. You feel so relieved that your town wasn't hit - but then feel a bit guilty for those that were. 

I'll keep thinking - pondering - and sharing. But for now - prayers for our rescue workers and for those helping in Japan.

Let Go of the Rope

In years past - I have feared hitting rock bottom. In finance.  In struggles. With addictions. In self destruction. Especially Finance. I had said it many times, and heard others speak of it, with fear in their eyes. "What if we hit rock bottom?" "Wonder if they will have to hit rock bottom?" "I don't know what will happen if they hit rock bottom."

Know what we found out?  Rock bottom isn't that bad. Its the end of the fall. The Rock is firm. A person can stand back up. On steady feet. We've hit it a few times, and really? I fear it no longer.

Several times over the past year and a half, the Lord has been teaching me to put down my yoke, to take His. Mostly in relationships and activity. The Striving. To be a mom. A Homeschooler. A Church Member. A Group Member. A Friend. It has been the year of realizing I've been working too hard. I find myself slipping.

And thats when my wording changed. When Satan slips in. I start to feel that I'm at the end of my rope. Dangling. The struggle. Feeling so tired, yet gripping all the more firmly. Striving.

Ever wonder why the Lord allows us to get to the end of our rope before His answer comes so quickly? My mind swirls in circles as it reaches out to create the scenario that will save me. Finding none, my mind starts to turn off. Shut down. I feel myself slipping from the rope.

Finally, my stubborn fingers let go.

That's when I find my feet.

Back on the Rock.

Joy comes in the morning

And this morning – I woke with joy. Anticipation for my little boy’s return. I light the tree. Unclutter the front entrance. Sweep the living room. Light the fire. Perk the coffee. Light the oil lamps. The light outside is still dark – the water is calm, the surf is quiet. Was it the eclipse? Wondering what the eclipse did to the surf line.

I turn on Lil Boy Blue (The New to Me G4 IBook) and stream Lighthouse Radio. Nancy Lee DeMoss is on with a word of encouragement. Dave comes on and even apologies for being so peppy at 6:02.  Why apologize for being peppy? I like Peppy.

This morning’s verse is from 2 Corinthians 3 – He reads the entire passage.  My heart swells as the Spirit inside me gets excited as the paragraph comes to an end with the following -

¹⁶But whenever a person turns [in repentance] to the Lord, the veil is stripped off and taken away.

¹⁷Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty (emancipation from bondage, freedom).^(D)

¹⁸And all of us, as with unveiled face, [because we] continued to behold [in the Word of God] as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever increasing splendor and from one degree of glory to another; [for this comes] from the Lord [Who is] the Spirit.

Freedom. In the Spirit. Boldness  More bold than Moses – to speak truth. We have freedom to be bold. . . Do we practice this freedom?

I cried my way through the evening last night. Those dratted quiet streams of water that leak. Swelling of sorrow in my chest. Softened by the comfort of my honey and the words of a friend. I fell to sleep early-ish – missed the eclipse. 50 minutes til my sons return.

And yet, It could be moments until The Son’s Return. Are our houses ready? Is our anticipation great? Are our lamps lit? Are our fires burning? Are our words Bold? Is the House ready?

Is it any wonder that God has given the mom the passion and desire to ready the house for company and the return of family? As He quickens our hearts for the return of His Son.

Hebrews 13:5

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as you have: for he has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you.

My heart Rests in Christ.

The week of Christmas

and my heart is torn and aching a little.

Oh – it’s easy to say we don’t really celebrate Christmas. We prefer a simple Christmas. We like to keep it quiet. We realize it’s not really Christ’s Birthday.

But.

We also live in America. Next to people with double incomes and credit accounts. With commercials on TV and Movies and TV Shows with dozens of presents under the tree.

Its hard to wrap joy. Wrap Bird Watching Every Day. Wrap Bills that are paid. Wrap Rent that is current. Wrap frozen chicken in the freezer, or the Gas for the Heater or the Car. Hard to wrap a checking account that is in the Black – even if by only a few dollars.

We were gifted with cards from church – a gift from a grandmother – and a gift from my parents this year. In my book – we will have a small beautiful celebration this week. There will not be “without”.

But I have a little boy. Who has been exposed for the last 4 days to a world he has never seen. Even in Bend. Where not only is money no object – but the desire for it to be shown is bold. At least in Bend, everyone seemed to hide the money that was paying the mortgages with grungy SUV’s and Snow Board Pants.

I have a little boy with a big heart. Who wants to give. Who has people on his prayer list that have real needs. Power Turned Off. Child Lost in Death. Children without food. And he sees a mother purchase $75.00 earrings for a 6 year old daughter. He sees the extravagance of a 20+foot tree laden with presents for two small children. And he wants to give. His heart hurts. He calls me with a weak small sobbing voice. We cry together on the phone. He will be home Lord Willing in my arms in the morning at 8.

The idea and reality of a simple Christmas is marvelous. I wouldn’t want anything different. If we were laden with abunance in a savings account – I wouldn’t want to load the bottom of the tree with plastic trinkets.

My heart is broken – because my son’s heart is broken. He has seen the World. He has seen self indulgence. How he never seemed to be exposed to it in Bend I’ll never know.  I’ve asked my other son tonight how he handled it in Bend.  He said he was just glad he got to play with all the toys of his friends. He felt co-ownership with his best friend’s abundance.

Hubby came home from work while I was trying to type this out. I got to cry it out with him. There isn’t anything to sort out – we live a very blessed life – just an almost cashless one.

Every day I wake up, watch the Blue Herons dance with the White Egrets over the lake and sip my coffee with my warm feet and feel so everlasting thankful for being in this home, and pray for those around the world – waking to pain and suffering. So please hear my heart. It just hurts. Cause my son’s hurts. Tomorrow morning could not come soon enough.

Re-Fresh Button

I came home from a large event yesterday and fell to my chair in an exhausted heap. I can share that I have given my all – everything I knew to give – and now the project is over.  I slept for a couple of hours – and then got up to hit the refresh button on the house.

Straightening the building that has been used for gatherings each week, and lovingly tending it back into a home – a nourishing – refreshing home.

I can not express in few words – or maybe even in much words – the growth and change that has occurred in my heart these past months.

I have been side tracked by Blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Lego Clubs.

In spending the evening going from room to room, straightening, cleaning, purging,

My mind was continually drawn to the Blogs – Online Time -

Wondering, what other things in my life have I allowed to come in, take time, and side track.

I enjoy reading the blogs, and commenting. I enjoy the comments I receive. I enjoy knowing what my friends are up to on Facebook. I enjoy sharing my  life.

But I am constantly pulled to realizing – that in the focus of sharing the life, I have stopped living mine. I know. It doesn’t make sense.

I don’t seem to have the energy, prioritizing skills, or knowledge to know how to participate in other’s lives, and still have a really fun cool, growing, refreshing life of my own.

I’m going to take the next 3 weeks to get ready for January.

To reflect and slow down.

To become a hermit of sorts.

To pray and Seek His Face in the next steps of my life.

Knowing that the steps that I take deeply and everlastingly effect those of my family.

I am reminded this morning of John 10, 3-4 and Psalm 139 – that He calls us out. He leads us. He has us Hedged In on All Sides. He knows, and I am unable to understand.

I am feeling the pull to change my blogging style back to that of where I started. When I only had 2 readers. When I wasn’t aware of format and grammar and too many pictures, or too few pictures, or writing for sponsors or writing for memes. Just writing. Because I woke up every day – like today – with words. and Typing at over 100 words a minute comes easier than italic handwriting in a small notebook.

This morning I logged back into my Pebblekeeper.spaces.live.com site – to remember where I’ve been – and it asked to merge with my wordpress blog. There is a new category bar on the right hand side there. I’ll be moving those old posts around.

You may not see much of a change as a reader, as you have already seen the amount of blog posts may decrease.

My brain is mud today. So many thoughts. I have a desire to be transparent on this site – but boring you with the inner workings of how I transition -

I am going to be deleting more on

Suffering–Identifying with Christ

Knowing the full picture, having a simple solution, sharing the skills of how to – yet, those you share solutions with have their own ideas. They come to the table thinking they know. Based on what has gone on before – not knowing what is coming ahead. Some will head the wisdom of those who know, and some will not. In the Judging, some knew the truth and chose not to use it. Some knew the truth and chose not to speak it. Some were unable to articulate what they had learned. It was clear that several had not found joy in the journey. And I think of Christ. Knowing the full story. Knowing what the end is to be. Trying so desperately to to tell the disciples, and yet, when they heard it, they asked other questions. Brought up selfish pleadings, slept when they should have stood. And Christ, The Holy Spirit, Drew me a beautiful but heartbreaking picture of Suffering this morning. Suffering isn’t bank account amounts, flat tires, lost jobs, frozen spring plants, dry fields, or hurt feelings from friends.

Christ’s suffering is in the knowing – the sharing – and seeing full picture. Knowing who is soaking it in, remembering it all, and sharing with others. Knowing who is listening but not taking it. Knowing who will not share the information with others. Knowing who will take everything He has said and twist it into their own path, based on their own self perceived need. Knowing – that they will stand before judges here on earth, and before his Father in Heaven. And that the earthly judges will only bring condemnation. They will never understand what really happens inside the heart. They will see a slice of life and judge harshly, or praise too easily. Only the Father in Heaven will know, will ever know what the person truly believes. Christ, in this knowing and sharing, giving his very life to share the Good News that His death and resurrection is the path to the Father, no matter what anyone thinks they know, or read, or have been taught  - and seeing –through to the end – the rejection by unbelieving people – the Ack. I can’t type it out.

The Suffering. Of Christ. For what He Did. What he Shared. What He taught. How He loved. Knowing Those whom rejected Him before Death. Who Rejected Him After Death. Who rejected his follower’s teachings. Who slaughtered His followers. Up and into this very moment, in America Culture to the Impoverished 3rd world countries.

Wouldn’t it have been easier – if the “Walk this way” speech would have just come with a control button?

I think the Suffering Of Christ – is in His desire that No One Should Perish, yet, watching those whom He created choose Perishing to Life.

Why is that. I choose life.